Stumble

Chapter 25

My phone kept vibrating on my bed. Punong-puno ang inbox ko ng messages and missed calls mula sa mga kaibigan ko. I had not shown up to anyone. I just couldn't find the strength to answer their calls. I chose to isolate myself and hoped that they would understand.

Nag-type ako sa phone ko upang sagutin ang chat ni Guia.

Guia, I will be fine, promise. I'm not hurting myself.

I'm so sorry. I just want to be alone until I'm ready to face reality.

Mahal ko kayo. Salamat sa pag-aalala.

The first day of his wake had passed, then the second, the third, and so on. I had not come to the place where he lies, not even a single time. I just couldn't withstand the unimaginable pain of seeing him in that state.

He's gone. The shy, young artist who used to paint with me was gone. The naive, introverted clubmate who would always follow me during CAL's activities was gone. The selfless, affectionate boy who would hug me inside of a dull hospital room was gone.

I spent a few days locked in my room and I cried until my eyes could no longer shed tears. I had filled my journal with paintings that remind me of Sean but I break down at the thought that these paintings could no longer reach him. I could only picture his face... his gentle, endearing face that I would never see again.

Tanging si Jaiden lang ang nasa tabi ko. One of his legs needed to be amputated dahil sa nangyaring aksidente. Palagi ko na ulit siyang kasama rito sa kwarto. Kahit nahihirapan siyang lumakad ay sinasamahan niya pa rin ako kahit saang sulok ng bahay.

Tinabihan ako ni Jaiden sa kama at umingaw sa akin. May kung anong tumutusok sa puso ko sa tuwing pinagmamasdan ko ang asul niyang mga mata. Hindi ko alam kung nararamdaman ba niyang malungkot ako at kailangan ko ng karamay ngayon. Tinitigan niya ako sa mga mata. Hinimas ko siya at hinagkan.

The morning before the painting contest, just a few hours before heaving his last breath, Sean called me on the phone.

"Good morning, Jade," he greeted with a raspy, weak voice.

"Good morning," bati ko rin. "Mas excited ka pa ata kaysa sa 'kin! Ang aga mong nagising, ah."

I glanced at the wall clock in my room. It was just past 5:30 a.m. Gumising ako nang maaga para maghanda sa gaganaping contest. But Sean usually don't wake up this early. Baka ginising siya ng nurse para kuhanan ng vitals.

"Kumakanta na kasi 'yung mga ibon dito sa bintana," sagot naman niya. "Do you know why birds sing just before the sunrise?"

"Hindi... Bakit?" Tumayo ako mula sa kama at pumunta sa bintana upang panoorin ang paglabas ng araw.

"To tell their mates that they made it through the night. It's like their way of saying, 'I'm still here.'"

Sumilay ang ngiti sa aking labi, fascinated with what he told me. "Saan mo naman nalaman 'yan?"

"Nabasa ko sa libro."

Tumingala ako sa kalangitan habang hawak ang phone malapit sa tainga ko. Nagsisimula nang lumiwanag ang alapaap at kumukulay dito ang kahel na sikat ng araw.

"Maybe that's the reason why people sing too," I said. "Why people create art. It's a way of saying, 'I made it. I'm still here.'"

I'm still here, Jai. I made it. I hope you're proud of me.

Eventually, I gained my composure enough to be able to accept everything. I gained the courage and a reason to come at his funeral. Pagkarating ko sa sementeryo ay niyakap agad ako ni Guia. Sumalubong din sina Pat at Iggy na hindi tumitigil sa pag-iyak.