Stumble

Chapter 14

[Trigger warning: Mention of suicide]

The white ceiling of the hospital room greeted my eyes when I woke up. My mom and sister stayed with me for the whole night. Madalang na dito sila magpalipas ng gabi dahil wala naman silang matutulugan dito. Oftentimes, they would just pay me a short visit at night.

But last night was different from all the other nights when this place was my second home. My neurologist, Dr. Ruiz, spoke to us. That's when I knew that things were getting bad. Again.

My remission did not last long. My symptoms worsened instead of decreasing. The drugs for MS had side effects on my immune system so I have to lessen oral intake, and take medications as injections under my skin instead. To check anomalies in my spinal cord, I need to undergo MRI again. I have to go through all those complex tests again. I don't know how long I need to stay here.

Mama and Ate needed to leave early in the morning for work and school. I was left here alone. In this isolated, dull, 26-degree cold room. I sat on the bed, crumpling the newly washed white sheets. A mellow Radiohead song was playing in the background from my bluetooth speaker. I grabbed the book under the bedside table and was about to open the page where I left off, until I heard a knock on the door and my friends came in.

"Kumusta?" bungad ni Iggy.

I stopped the music. My friends were not as lively as they were everyday. They did not greet me with their stupid smiles like they used to. I did not see the annoying Iggy and energetic Pat.

I pulled up a rehearsed smile, closing my book. "Buhay pa naman."

Patricia sat on the end of my bed and sighed. Iggy stood near me, watching the blinking lights from the machines overhead.

"Easyhan mo lang kasi, 'tol," he said. "Sinabihan ka na namin noong foundation week na huwag nang pumasok, eh. Dapat nagpahinga ka na lang."

I looked away, avoiding his gaze. "How's Clary?"

Natahimik ulit siya bago sumagot. "Doon siya natulog sa bahay ni Guia."

"Please always check on her," I told the both of them. "Mas mabuting nasa school siya kaysa nasa bahay. Hindi natin alam kung kailan siya aatakihin ng panic attacks. Please, guys... She needs us right now."

Wala ako roon para damayan siya palagi. I wish I could have more time outside the hospital for her but I can't make myself available in this state. If only I could change the way I am just to be by her side always.

"Oo. Kukumustahin namin siya palagi," Iggy nodded. "Nandiyan din naman si Guia para sa kanya. Huwag kang masyadong mag-alala... Isipin mo rin ang sarili mo. Tingnan mo kung ano'ng nangyari sa 'yo kagabi,"

"Iggy, over fatigue lang 'to," I sighed. "I'm fine."

Patricia did not like what she heard from me. She looked at me in disbelief. "Sean, may sakit ka," she firmly said, her voice shaking. "Kahit pilitin mong mamuhay nang normal, hindi na iyon magbabago. Ikamamatay mo kung patuloy mo lang gagawin ang mga gusto mo! Naiintindihan mo ba 'yon, Sean?"

Natigilan ako. I stared at Pat for a moment, then looked at the blue sky from the glass window. The side of my lips formed a bittersweet smile.

Did you know why I rarely cry despite of my condition, Pat? It's not because I didn't care at all. It's not because I am stronger than what's killing me. It's because I feel empty.

But when I do the things I love without holding back, it makes me feel things even just for a short while. The sense of fulfillment after accomplishing a little task, the zeal for painting or reading or listening to music... the glimpse of joy whenever I see the smiles of people around me... those will always fill up the nothingness I feel inside.

But deep down, I know... I know that everything's definitely not alright. I can't deny the fact that I'm getting weaker. I can't even deny it to myself anymore. Katawan ko na ang unti-unting sumusuko.

Just because I am living my life, doesn't mean I don't get tired.

I'm tired of telling my friends to hold on even if I'm the one who's slowly slipping away. I'm tired of convincing them that better days are coming but for someone like me, there are no better days to look forward to. I'm tired of pulling up an insincere smile and pretending that everything's going to be fine.

Ayos lang ako. Pero kalakip nito ang naglalahong lakas, gumuguhong pangarap, lumalabong hinaharap.

I don't want to feel like I'm living to take my medications instead of taking my medications to live. It's difficult to have to go through all these different treatments because it takes a toll on your body. I want to be cured, of course. I want my life to be back to normal... But it is not what my heart desires anymore.

I just want to make the most out of my remaining time.

"Sorry..." Pat muttered after realizing what she said and seeing the dismayed look on Iggy's face. "Bibili lang ako ng kape. Wala pa akong almusal."

She stormed off the room and left us here. Iggy sighed and turned to look at me. "Pagpasensyahan mo na... Hindi naman 'yon dahil naiinis kami sa 'yo. Pinag-iingat ka lang namin."

"I know," I pursed my lips. I completely understand that the harsh truth can always come from Pat's mouth anytime.

"Good morning, Sean," pumasok mula sa pinto si Nurse Ivy, daytime nurse ko. Napaayos ako ng upo at si Iggy naman ay lumipat sa sofa. Lumapit ang nurse hawak ang isang clipboard at ilang mga gamit. "Check ko lang vitals mo."

We did the usual routine. She checked my breathing, blood pressure, and body temperature using familiar equipments. She did a blood extraction to see if my medications are doing their thing.

Inilagay niya ang iba't ibang tablet at capsules sa isang maliit na tray, at ipinatong ang tray sa ibabaw ng bedside table. She stored some inside the medicine cabinet. Those are the steroids I need to take today, other than the injectable medications that they need to infuse through my IV.

"Binilinan ako ng mommy mo na dalhan ka ng prutas," she said while adjusting the thermostat on the wall. "Melon at grapes. Iyon ang gusto mo, 'di ba? Maglalagay ako sa tray mo mamayang lunch."

I gave her a slight smile. She was always kind and understanding and thoughtful. "Thank you, Nurse Ivy."

Before walking out of the room, she removed my IV tube from the needle inserted at the back of my hand, so I can take a bath and change clothes before starting the day. I looked at Iggy who was lounging on the sofa. Tumingin siya sa akin nang lumabas na ang nurse.

"Kaya pa?" he lifted his head while playing with something on his phone.

I inhaled a large amount of air and gathered all the determination I was left inside. "Kakayanin."

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