Little White Lies {Completed}

Chapter Seventeen

Hot. Ugh hot and sweaty. And bright, way too bright. What time is it? Why does my head feel like it's in a vice and why is my stomach in a knot?
Kenzi slowly opened her eyes and squinted at her watch. It was almost 9am. Fuck. Work, I have to go to work. The night before began to come back to her in fragments. Jeremy. Jeremy's bed. He turned me down. Why? What were we doing?
Jed's house. I was in bed, at Jed's house. In my room. And then I ended up here.
Jeremy put his arms around her, pulling her back in to him. "Go back to sleep, baby."
Why isn't he at work? We were at Jed's house, and then the police... Ethan. Ethan is dead.
She roughly pushed Jeremy off, running to the bathroom to vomit. Oh god, he's dead. He really did it, and he's gone. I never got the chance to... Jeremy was sitting behind her, rubbing her back. Kenzi vomited and cried and until she was sure there mustn't be anything left, and then cried and vomited some more. Her entire being felt overwhelmed, her brain, her heart, her body. She thought she might just sink down in to the floor and give up, but Jeremy was there, holding her against him, talking softly although she couldn't understand what he was saying. Rubbing her back, holding her hair.
"He's really dead, isn't he. That wasn't some awful nightmare. He killed himself because I left."
"Yes, Kenzi."
They were sitting on the bathroom floor, Jeremy cuddling in to Kenzi's back. Occasionally he stroked her hair or her back, and he had given her a wet washer to wipe her face. She didn't know how long they had been there, but she knew she couldn't get up, and she didn't really care. If he wasn't there she'd have lay down right there and hoped to just fade away. Every time she thought there was nothing left the tears would flow again and her weak, sore, stiff body would be racked by sobs once more. More than once she had, embarrassingly, put her hands over her mouth and let out a primal scream when emotion overcame her. When she finally turned to Jeremy she saw his eyes were wet with tears and his face streaked and blotchy. She raised a hand to wipe the tears from his cheeks and instead he kissed her fingertips, holding her hand while he stood and pulled her up off the floor. He walked back to the bedroom, and as he led Kenzi by the hand everything in front of her eyes began to swim, a white glow overtaking her vision. She felt herself stumble and before she could right herself everything went black.

She came back to consciousness in Jeremy's bed, he was looking at her and frowning. "There you are," he said. "I was starting to worry."
"What happened?"
"You fainted in the hallway. Do you feel ok?"
"I feel fucking awful but I don't think that's anything to do with fainting." Kenzi managed a weak smile. "I'm sorry I worried you. And I'm really sorry you had to see that this morning. But I'm glad you were here to stop me from completely shutting down."
"Don't apologise, neither could be helped. I wish I could just take all the pain away, Kenzi, I really do."
Jeremy pulled her in to his arms and she rested her head near his shoulder. "I just can't believe he would really do it. And if I'd got the message sooner-"
"Don't. Don't do that. Even if you had, it was probably too late. I don't think he wanted you to rescue him, I think he wanted you to hurt. If he just wanted you to come running he wouldn't have actually taken the pills."
"That's true. But I'll never know if I could have saved him. How do I tell his family that he sent me a goodbye message but I was asleep? That right after I found out I tried to have sex with another man because I didn't want to deal with the guilt and pain. How am I even going to face them?"
"You will. I'll be there if you need me to. And you were hurting, it's normal to want a distraction."
"Thank you for stopping me. I shouldn't have put you in that position."
"You're not an easy woman to say no to." He smiled.
"I have to call his mother," she said, sitting up. "Will you stay with me?"
"Of course. Why don't you get dressed and I'll make you some toast first?"

"Margaret? It's Kenzi. Yes. I'm sorry too. I'm so sorry.
Well we had broken up. Very recently, a couple of days before. Yes, I was staying with a friend. We were making one another unhappy, we still loved one another but... I'm so glad you understand. I do feel partly responsible.
I don't know, maybe if I'd been there...yep. Yes. Thank you.
Funeral? Uh, to be honest I'd thought you would want to handle it in New York. Oh, ok. Can I have a few hours to think about it? OK. Take care, Margaret. I'll talk to you soon."
Kenzi slumped back in the chair, wiping tears from her face and sipping her tea. Jeremy squeezed her hand. "You're amazing, I hope one day you see that."
"They want me to organise his funeral. Because I was his partner, they think I'll do a better job. Fuck." She put her face down in her hands.
"I don't think it's unreasonable for you to say no. You were his partner but they were his family. And you're having a hard enough time as it is."
"I think I'll have to say no. I just don't think I can do it."
"Come here," Jeremy said, pulling her in to him. "Sleep on it. You've had hardly any sleep in three days. And then if you still don't want to you know it's the right choice."
"Do you have any plans today?"
"Nope. I'm all yours."