Little White Lies {Completed}

Chapter Eighteen

After lunch Jeremy insisted Kenzi have a nap and took her to bed. As she lay there for a few minutes, listening to his breathing, she realised he was asleep. She watched him for a few moments, her mind was racing. Too many thoughts, Ethan, the funeral, their relationship. She needed to get them out or she'd never sleep again. She went quietly to the study and got a pen and paper.

My dear Ethan,

Remember when we first met? I used to make fun of your accent and the way it stuck out like dogs' balls at an Australian uni. You were so smart, funny, charming, and from the moment we were introduced I knew we would be together.

I would have followed you anywhere, especially in the first couple of years, you could talk me in to just about anything. The smile you'd give me when I eventually gave in almost always made it worthwhile. We were young and so in love, and if you'd told me at the time I'd end up feeling at home in LA I'd have thought you were drunk. And yet here I am. We did make a home, and at times it was lovely. You were always familiar to me, you were my known when I had too many unknowns to cope with. You were predictable when there was too much chaos and uncertainty.

If I could have told you one last thing, it wouldn't have been that I still love you. Although I did, and as my first real love you will always hold a place in my heart. It would be that I forgive you. I don't understand what would make you treat me the way you did, or how things between us went so wrong, or why you would choose to hurt me like this as your final act of torment. But I forgive you. Because if I don't, I will never trust, or love, or see the light again. I do it not for you, but for myself.

And for your family, I won't lie, but I will leave out the details about how controlling you were and instead talk about the good times, the Ethan If ell in love with.

From this point I promise to remember you as the Ethan who will live on in my heart and memories. The one who surprised me with roses in the middle of a lecture, the one who helped me get my dream job with Microsoft, the one who talked me in to moving across the globe in less than an hour. The one I really thought would come back to me, one day.

I am sorry we made one another so miserable. Sometimes I guess love alone really isn't enough. This is not my fault, and I will not take responsibility in any way for your death. You chose this. The man I will grieve isn't the one who I shared an apartment and a bed with. I will grieve for the man you were before, and for the man you could have been. The man with the kind heart, who only ever wanted to keep me to himself. I will grieve for the hope of that man returning to me, of meeting him, of seeing what a beautiful relationship we might have had, of the life that might have been.

I hope, wherever you are, you are free from the hurt and anger, and that you have found peace.

Fly free, my first love, my beautiful Ethan.

Kenzi read it over and over again. Tears flowed every time, but as the words sunk deeper the anger and hurt she had been forcing down inside began to release. She felt the mind-numbing sadness, grief, and shock of the past 24 hours and allowed them to wash over her, sending torrents down her cheeks. But something was different this time. The tears weren't an overflow of mixed emotions, they were tears of pure sadness, and releasing them felt good, like she might one day heal and come out the other side. Eventually she went back to the bed and snuggled in to Jeremy, falling asleep in his arms and finally finding rest.

When Kenzi woke she guessed it was late afternoon, the sun was casting an orange glow outside the bedroom. She rolled over looking for Jeremy and found him sitting on the edge of the bed. He turned around when he felt her moving behind him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep."

"I have things to do anyway," she said, sitting up and putting a pillow behind her back. She realised she had left what she had written on the table next to the bed, and Jeremy was looking over at it.

"Could I... may I... read what you wrote?"

"Sure," Kenzi handed it to him. She looked down at her lap while he read it, a little embarrassed. She didn't have the greatest way with words. She looked up when she heard him sniffle, and he turned and opened his arms to her, tears streaming down his face.

"You are the most kind and compassionate person I've ever met. You're amazing and you have a pure heart. God Kenzi how you can even think about forgiving him...it's beyond me. It's just... you're exceptional."

"I'm going to organise the funeral," she said, cuddling in to his bare chest.

"I thought you would. That's a very noble thing for you to do, given the circumstances."

"I did love him, Jeremy. I still loved him. I always will."

"I know you did. You never gave up on him, did you?"

"No. Never."

They sat for a long time, until Kenzi's phone rang and Jeremy went to get it for her. It was Jed.

"Hey," she said. "I didn't get a chance to say thank you for last night."

"You're more than welcome. How are you feeling?"

"Better. A lot better. I've spoken to Ethan's mother, they want me to arrange his funeral here."

"You're not going to do it are you?"

"Yes. I'll find a replacement to work for me, you don't need to worry."

"Kenzi, I'm not worried about work, I'm worried about you. That's a huge ask after what he did to you."

"I know. But I've thought a lot about it and I'm ready. I want to."

"If you need anything, just call, OK?"

"Ok. I might stay here tonight and I'll come back in the morning."

"Kenzi, you have a key. You're an adult. I offered you my guest room as a safe place, you can come and go as you please. You don't need my permission."

"Thanks, Jed."