Boo'd Up (Kendrick Lamar love story)

Emotional Wreck

I just announced to my family, not only am I part of a talent agency, I'm also gonna sing at the Super Bowl. I gave in and said yes. While I'm scared of this decision, everyone I've told so far has been extremely happy for me.

I decided to tell my family the night my aunt and uncle decided to have a BBQ at their house. I figured since everything is set and stone, I'd announce it to them. While everyone was still comprehending, Tasha was the first to run to me.

"AHHHHH!!!!! I'm so fucking proud of you! You're finally gonna sing!! YASSSSSSS!!!," Tasha screamed, running to me.

I laughed," I've always sang."

"Girl, you know what I mean! I'm so happy for you!"

I've received hugs and congratulations from everyone. I finally made it to my dad, who hugged me so tight.

"This is your calling, baby. This is your destiny," he said, in my ear.

I didn't have it in my heart to correct him because despite what Kendrick said, I'm still looking to please my dad. His intentions are well and he just wants my voice to be heard. But also Kendrick said, I am doing this for me as well. I've sung in front audiences before but not to this magnitude. This is a challenge for me and I want to overcome it.

Speaking of Kendrick, we finally talked...well sort of. The few days he was home, he'd been so busy. And I may have given into the temptation and made love to him.

Don't judge me, it had been a long time since we had sex. And he was being his charming self and it turns me on seeing him perform and interacting with Mila...I got weak. And I don't regret it because afterwards, we were able to talk about everything and listen to each other.

He's admitted he's a man that reacts based off emotions and doesn't think twice until afterwards. Not once did he ask me to forgive him and try to make things work. Nor did make any promises I wanted to hear. He was just sorry because he did the very thing he promised he wouldn't do. And he did it so early on in our relationship. He's granted me that space that I wanted.

So as of right now, he and I aren't together but only temporarily until he's off tour and try to make things work again. Weirdly enough, I wanted him to make those promises. I wanted him to keep reaching out because I was folding already for him. I wanted him. I've never fell for someone so fast and he's my baby's daddy, I'll always have love for him.

Do I believe he's having his way and possibly sleeping with other girls while on tour? Yes but we're not together right now so no matter how jealous I feel, I don't have a say anymore. So he shouldn't either.

I haven't told anyone but I kinda met someone.

There's nothing to it though. It's just when I talk to Kendrick, there's always noises and women voices in the background. He thinks he's being quiet but I know better. Again, I can't say anything. While he's living his life, I've never been with anyone other than him so I decided to 'flourish' a bit.

I met the guy through Tasha. She doesn't even know that we're even talking like that and she most likely never will. Stepping out of my comfort zone is all I've been doing, why stop now?

Those times guilt started to over power me, I'd just think it's Kendrick I am with. I miss him so much. I know Mila does too. I've thought about surprising Kendrick on tour but I always back out, especially after being on the phone with him.

I just find it hard to believe that he can look me in the eye and say he loved me, tell me I was his dream girl, that I was forever but because I want space, he just goes and sleep with other girls. Maybe I'm being dramatic but it still hurts. You'd think if he really wanted to be with me, he'd prove it. But instead, I'm playing his game without him knowing it.