i want you hyunjin || hyunlix

i wanna be yours

- felix -

     what am i going to do?

     should i sell the second ticket?

     or go and act like nothing happened?

     i'm starting to get a headache but i can't tell if it's from stress or lack of sleep. probably both. i run my hands through my hair, massaging my scalp with my fingertips as i lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling. stretching, i adjust my position between the sheets, turning onto my side. my gaze catches on my concert bag, still lying on the floor where i threw it last night. then, i feel my eyes dart to the I WANT YOU HYUNJIN poster lying facedown next to it. i exhale a long breath.

it's okay. i never expected the kiss to go anywhere anyway. i really didn't think i would get to kiss hyunjin at all. it was just a crazy fantasy in my head that somehow came true. and, if you ignore the part where he shoved me away and shouted at me to leave, it was way better than i could have imagined.

i run a finger over my lips, closing my eyes. hyunjin's lips, hands, hair, body and voice come back to me as i relive the kiss in my mind. when i get to the part where hyunjin is about to pull away, i quickly shove off my blankets and stand up, shaking the memory away.

     i stretch and check the time. 9am. in total, i had managed to get five hours of sleep, which doesn't seem too bad considering everything.

should i go to the concert?

the question bubbles up in the back of my brain. i decide to figure it out after breakfast.

should i go to the concert?

after eating, i delay making up my mind by taking a long shower and getting cleaned up first.

should i go to the concert?

i put on a loose white t-shirt and lightly faded black jeans. i use a towel to dry my hair and then comb through it.

should i go to the concert?

i sit on the floor of my bathroom with my head in my hands.

i can't do this. i can't see hyunjin again after he explicitly told me to go away. i'm just gonna get hurt all over again.

aghh, but i also can't NOT go. i mean, it's a stray kids concert! i want to go and support them. plus i paid for vip seats and soundcheck. grrrahhhhh. i have to go... but i can't.

my brain feels like it's split into two sides that are at war with each other. i sit on the floor of my bathroom with my back against the door and let the battle play out as time slowly slides by.

finally, finally, i ask myself:

what do i want?

my head quiets for a moment. then slowly, a thought moves to the front of my mind.

hyunjin.

GAHHH i attempt to mentally stab the thought out of my brain. he doesn't want me. i'm a "stay" to him and he doesn't want to hurt me or abuse my love for him. i get it. i understand the tricky situation i put him in. but it's different and more complicated than that.

i understand that he is a real person and he has flaws. i don't blindly idolize him. i would feel comfortable calling him out or declining his wishes if i wanted to. and i'm not a stupid teenager. i'm only six months younger than him. i'm mature enough to know what i want and i know that even if he was just a stranger at a party, i would still want to kiss him.

sighing, i get up from the tiled floor, having made my choice.

i'm going to that concert.

- hyunjin -

"uhh... what's wrong with him?" jeongin asks seungmin, giving me a wide berth as he walks by, then sits on seungmin's other side. usually, my energy backstage before a soundcheck is full of excitement and nerves. but today i feel like there is a dark grey cloud hanging above my head and everyone can sense it.

"not sure, but my guess is his 143 session with pretty boy didn't go well," seungmin replies. i shoot him a dirty look but hold back a retort. i appreciate that he and jeongin are even willing to come near me. the other members are avoiding me like the plague, trying to keep their spirits up for the concert.

    which starts in five minutes. shit. i need to get it together. i stand suddenly, making jeongin and seungmin look my way. i start stretching and preparing to go on stage. my body feels like it weighs twice as much as usual, but i'm trying.

     finally, our manager comes in.

     "alright, the staff is ready for you. head on up."

     i am the last member onto the stage. i don't force myself to look happy but i also don't let myself look dejected. stays would be sad to see me upset and i don't want to make them worry.

     after we greet the vip stays and tech team, i start bouncing on my feet to try and get some adrenaline going. music is playing over the speakers and the rest of the members are dancing around and interacting with fans. i look around at the stays, my eyes avoiding the spot where felix stood last night.

     i shouldn't have kissed him. and i shouldn't have pushed him away either. everything i did points to me being a complete idiot. i wish we had talked everything out together. all i know now is that we were drawn to each other like magnets and i've never felt that way before.

     it's too late now. i ruined my chance. and i'll have to look at his spot in the crowd someday; it wouldn't be fair for me to avoid every stay who stands there. so, slowly, slowly, i take a deep breath and turn to look at the spot where i first saw him. felix.

     felix?

     i immediately stop bouncing and almost trip, but i catch myself.

     am i hallucinating or is he right there in front of me? he bought two vip tickets? and he still came after yesterday? is he here in spite of me or... because of me?

    and who the hell is that guy flirting with him?

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