i want you hyunjin || hyunlix

complete mess

- hyunjin -

     like two magnets separated by an invisible wall, felix and i spend the day doing everything, but also nothing, together. felix sits on the couch editing videos and scheduling them to post while i sit beside him reading poetry. later, i cook an easy lunch while felix plays games on his phone at the kitchen island. i'm grateful that he isn't avoiding me. with felix this close, i can pretend that everything is fine and convince myself that he doesn't want to leave.

but instead of easy-flowing conversation, i catch him frequently staring into space and fidgeting with his fingers. i notice it again now, as we sit in the backseat of the company car.

"are you nervous about the article?" i ask quietly. felix's eyes widen slightly and i watch as they dart between the open partition and me.

     "sorry, mr. ahn? would you mind closing the partition?" i ask, trying to make felix more comfortable, and the driver quickly obliges. once it's closed, felix lets out a long breath.

     "yeah, but i'm more terrified about what comes after," felix responds to my initial question, giving me a look that is somehow devastated, scared, angry, and resigned all at once. i want to say something reassuring but all i can get out is a breathless,

"i'm scared too." i want to reach out and grab his hand but I don't.

a minute later, we arrive at minho, seungmin, and jeongin's apartment. even before "the stay hub" started, we had a tradition of spending our friday nights as a group. usually meeting here, staying late at the company building, or going out to eat.

     we walk into the apartment to the smell of roasted chicken and vegetables. minho is a great cook when he wants to be.

     "they're here," he announces when we walk in and jisung pokes his head out of jeongin's room.

     "oh, hey! we're watching seungmin and jeongin battle each other on league. it's pretty close right now, but my money's on jeongin's team!"

     "hey!!" i hear seungmin's muffled retort and laugh. felix laughs too and i realize that it's the first time i've seen him smile today. my heart strains in my chest.

"come out and eat or i'll eat without you," minho shouts while placing the last two pots on the kitchen island, setting things up buffet style.

"two more minutes, hyung! i'm about to win!" jeongin shouts, his voice sounding mischievous.

"oh, no you're not!" comes seungmin's response. minho rolls his eyes and puts the lids back on the pots to keep the food warm, then he walks into the room that jisung had disappeared into. i glance at felix to make sure we're on the same page before following minho down the hallway.

    the first door is jeongin's room and we both peek inside. jisung is laughing wildly as he watches the game, sitting on jeongin's bed with minho close beside him. jeongin sits at his desk with an evil smile, destroying the last obstacle between him and victory.

     "let's check on seungmin?" i suggest to felix and he nods, following me out of the room and into the next one over. chan and changbin are on the bed this time, leaning back against the wall. changbin is wearing chan's earbuds as chan shows him the song he is working on.