i want you hyunjin || hyunlix

shameless

- felix -

      hyunjin wants to talk with me. hyunjin wants to apologize. hyunjin wants to kiss me. hyunjin wants to know who dex is. hyunjin wants to be with me. my mind whirls through all the possible and impossible reasons hyunjin might have requested to see me tonight.

our interactions during the concert felt good. he danced "taste" on my side of the stage and i caught him looking at me often. not to mention our silent conversation during soundcheck and the "give me your tmi" moment we shared. is it wrong to hope that he changed his mind about us being together?

my foot drums against the floor, leg bouncing with nervous energy. my fingers grip the edge of the bench as i wait with the other chosen stays. they are chatting amongst themselves, too excited to notice my peculiar behavior.

     the manager comes out with the clipboards and agreements. i sign quickly, this time staying aware of the people around me and looking for hyunjin.

     it's seungmin who arrives first. he greets the stay with his pass and smiles kindly at her as she rambles excitedly. as he turns to lead her into their conference room, seungmin acknowledges me with a subtle wink. he definitely knows there is something between hyunjin and me. is that a good sign?

     han, lee know, and changbin walk down the hallway next. all three glance my way and smile. i feel heat rising in my cheeks. does everyone know? my heart pounds in my chest. this is embarrassing.

     after they make their way into their designated rooms, i.n enters with bangchan not far behind. i.n greets his stay and waves at me before quickly disappearing into his conference room. bangchan on the other hand, lingers at the bench with his stay. for a moment, i wonder why they haven't gone in yet. then it hits me that, when they leave, i'll be left out here all alone with the manager.

     the person with bangchan's 143 pass doesn't understand the situation and when bangchan doesn't move for a while, she assumes he wants her to lead. as she moves towards their door, bangchan turns to me.

     "hyunjin will be out soon. he'll be here," he promises before allowing himself to be led into the conference room.

     the next sixty seconds are the longest of my life. i try to imagine what hyunjin is thinking right now. he isn't going to leave me here, right? i make awkward eye contact with the manager before quickly looking away.

     suddenly, i hear the sound of running footsteps on the white stone floor. it echoes through the hallways. seconds later, hyunjin appears.

he freezes when he sees me.

     he's now wearing an oversized black t-shirt with a red design on it and plain jeans. on his feet are white converse high-tops. his blue hair is not fully dried from his shower and i watch as a drop of water slides slowly down the side of his neck.

looking back to his face, i struggle to read his expression. he seems to be going through too many emotions at once.

     after a long moment, the manager coughs. hyunjin's eyes dart over to him, then he quickly walks over to me, grabs me by the wrist, and pulls me into our conference room.

hand still wrapped around my wrist, he holds me close as he shuts the door behind me. then he meets my eyes. i feel my face start to flush at his nearness and intensity. i stand in the small space between hyunjin and the door. part of me wants him to pin me against it, another part needs us to talk things out.

     hyunjin lets go of my wrist and lowers himself slowly to his knees at my feet, bowing his head low.

"please let me apologize to you," he starts, and my eyes widen. "i know that i hurt you and i am so sorry. i shouldn't have spoken to you like that and i shouldn't have pushed you away. if i could take it back, i would have a thousand times already." i get down on my knees too and start rubbing hyunjin's back as he talks, his face still lowered to the floor.

"i really messed up. first by kissing you without thinking it through, and then by stopping." with this, he raises his head to look at me and my hand lowers from his back into my lap. he continues his apology, deep brown eyes meeting mine.

"i'm so sorry that our first kiss happened before i had time to sit with my thoughts and figure out the right way to approach this situation. now, i'm ready to do this right if you still want me."

now i have a chance to say what i wanted, needed, to say.

"i agree that you shouldn't have spoken to me like that or pushed me away, but i do understand your panic. hyunjin, i didn't bring that sign without thinking it through. what happened wasn't one-sided, and you didn't take advantage of me being a fan. i'm the same age as you. if you can know what you want, i can know what i want. and i wanted to be with you. i want to be with you."

i watch as a bit of hope floods into hyunjin's dark eyes.

     "i wish i had a chance to tell you this before, in order to prevent your panic. i'm so sorry that i didn't." as i finish speaking, hyunjin's eyes roam my face, looking for any trace of discomfort or falsehood.

"you're really okay?" he asks, hope and concern in his voice.

"yeah, i am," i reassure him. "are you?"

"i am now." he lets out a breath, then slowly he raises his arms towards me in invitation. i accept, shuffling closer to him. his arms wrap around me and i carefully rest my head against his chest. i feel the tension in my body dissipate as he holds me, his body heat and scent soothing my remaining nerves.

     after a while, i hear him murmur something, but i can't make it out over the sound of his heartbeat. pulling away slightly, i ask him to repeat himself.

     "i wish we had more time together. these ten-minute slots will never be enough with you."

"hmm?" i hum. "are you asking for my number?"

he strokes his fingertips gently through my hair.

"would you let me have it?" he asks softly, causing my heart to flutter.

"i would. do you have your phone with you? i wasn't allowed to bring mine in."

"shit. no, i left mine in the dressing room."

"it's fine, there's probably paper and pen in here."

slowly, i pull away from hyunjin and stand up. he rises too and we walk over to the desk to search together. quickly, we realize that there are no drawers to look in and nothing left behind by previous occupants.

"wait, i have an idea. follow my lead," hyunjin says and walks to the door. i want to ask him what he's thinking but i don't get the chance.

"hey, yun?" hyunjin calls out into the hallway. is stray kids' manager's name yun? "felix would like my autograph. would that be okay?"

i peek my head out the door and indeed, he is talking to the manager. the man in all black clothes looks from hyunjin to me and then back again.

"alright, i'll allow it. do you need a pen?"

"yes please, there aren't any in the room."

yun removes one from a clipboard and hands it to hyunjin.

"you have three minutes left. enjoy."

"thank you!" hyunjin steps back into the room with me and closes the door. "alright! take off your shirt."

"WHAT?"

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