i want you hyunjin || hyunlix

fire on fire

- hyunjin -

the rest of the recording session goes smoothly and i'm able to concentrate by avoiding looking at felix and focusing deeply on the songs instead. i "accidentally" glance over a couple of times after finishing my sections but instead of talking to matt, i find felix looking at me and seeming nervous.

he must have noticed that i've been avoiding him and think i'm mad at him. the emotion i'm feeling isn't anger though, i just wish he would stop encouraging people who are interested in him and apologize for it. maybe his exes were fine with it, but it makes me uncomfortable. i think he would understand if i asked him to stop. i'll talk to him about it on the ride home.

my mind goes over what i'll say as i pack up my bag and get ready to leave. then i step back inside the booth to grab my hat and sweatshirt that i discarded earlier. when i stand back up, i look through the glass to see if felix is ready to go as well.

i watch in shock as he types his number into matt's phone. then he hands it back to matt who flashes him his pretty smile. my stomach aches as if i was punched in the gut. the room blurs, spinning nauseatingly around me, and the only thing i hear is the sound of my own heartbeat. i need to get out of here.

     i don't know if i run or manage to walk out of the studio normally. the scenes play over and over in my brain, stopping me from thinking clearly. dex then matt, dex then matt, dex then matt. i find myself standing in front of a bathroom sink, breathing heavily with my palms pressing painfully against the granite.

     what do i do? what do i do? what do i do? what do i do?

     i turn on the cold water and wait for it to get even colder before splashing some on my face. i can no longer think of a single thing to say to felix that won't cause me to break down and beg him to stop. and i can't do that. i don't want to scare him away.

     the chill of the water on my skin helps me break out of my panic and slow down my rapid breathing. i still need to drive home with felix.

to the apartment where we both live.

and sleep in the same bed.

     how can i do this when i feel like an open wound?

- felix -

there is a lump in my throat as i step into the company car on the opposite side for the first time. i usually slip in after hyunjin but something changed during the recording session today. he made it clear that our relationship needs to stay hidden. i think he might break up with me if "the stay hub" reveals it tomorrow. but maybe if i try harder to hide it, he won't need to end things.

i feel stiff as i sit down on the leather seat and reach for my seatbelt. this morning i was able to relax comfortably but now the seats feel rock hard and the new car smell is giving me a headache.

unintentionally, hyunjin and i "click" our seatbelts into place at the same time. we both glance up to see if the other noticed and for the first time all afternoon, he holds my gaze for longer than a second. he looks drained and tired, but still beautiful. i give him a tentative smile, trying to ask if everything is okay with my eyes. his gaze falls and his face becomes unreadable.

"to the apartment?" mr. ahn questions from the front seat, breaking the silence. hyunjin doesn't answer. he looks lost in thought, staring blankly at his hands in his lap. i answer for him.

"yes, that would be great. thank you." my deep voice doesn't quiver and i'm thankful for it. if hyunjin doesn't start talking, tonight is going to be a long night.

- hyunjin -

felix looks like he is asking me for forgiveness. but it's not that easy. i don't want there to be a wall between us but i also can't accept a silent apology right now. i need him to tell me he will stop flirting and giving other people his number while we're dating.

     ding!

after several terrible minutes of silence, felix's phone emits a sound as a new kakaotalk message comes through. since my eyes are already downcast, it's easy to glance at his phone on the seat between us and see who messaged him.

     dex. of course it's dex with his shitty-ass name. i figured felix and him had stopped talking once felix came to korea. must have been my wishful thinking. i close my eyes and take in a long breath, trying to control the urge to jump out of the moving car as felix picks up his phone, sees who sent the message, and quickly starts typing a response.

     i can not fucking do this. what is felix doing to me?

     minutes pass by and i don't need to open my eyes to know that felix and dex are still texting. i can hear the quiet tapping sounds of felix's thumbs as he types and the "swoosh" of messages being sent.

     i honestly think i might start crying.

- felix -

dex: when are you coming back?

felix: i don't know. maybe sooner than i thought

dex: is something wrong? if anyone's bothering you, i will fly over there rn and beat their ass!!

felix: no, ㅋㅋ  just... personal stuff

dex: do you want to talk about it? i can listen

felix: no, that's okay. but thank you

felix: how was your night at the club?

from there the conversation lightens up and it's a good distraction from the depressing thoughts bouncing around my head. not to mention the empty silence from hyunjin. i wonder if there is anything i can say or do to convince hyunjin not to break up with me. i'm terrified that if i bring it up, he'll take it as an excuse to get it over with sooner. i can't stand this feeling but i also know it could be so much worse. i'll stay in silence with hyunjin forever if it means i don't have to leave korea brokenhearted. i just want to be with him as long as possible.

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how's everyone's hearts doing??
i hope you're holding in there!

thank you for reading another chapter and thank you to everyone who's been tapping the stars!!

— starlostlovers