i want you hyunjin || hyunlix

say don't go

- hyunjin -

     the dream playing behind my eyelids blurs and clears away. slowly, i open my heavy eyes, my gaze landing on felix's soft features. he looks peaceful, angelic even, and it is nearly impossible to imagine that this felix is the same one from last night. felix's duality is complex, delicate and intense. he pushes both ends of the spectrum past the breaking point and the overflow sears into me, a permanent mark on my soul.

      my eyes are still bleary, lost in felix's freckles, when my brain wanders to today's schedule.

friday.

the day the stayhub article comes out.

the day a little digital letter could ruin my career and break us to pieces.

it suddenly feels twenty degrees colder in the room and my body shrinks into itself for warmth. i pull back my hand from where it had been lying next to felix's and immediately regret it. why am i already pulling away? chan said that he would protect us. i need to trust him. i do trust him.

but do i trust felix?

     i trust him to make my heart glow and beat rapidly in my chest. i trust him to make me laugh, surprise me with hidden talents, impress me with his cooking and sense of style, and bring an abundance of happiness into my life.

my heart aches in my chest as my doubts and worries crash down anyway. because, even after all that, i don't know if i can trust him to stay with me. especially, if staying with me becomes even harder. we already can not express our feelings for each other publicly. no holding hands while walking outside, no couple posts, no talking to friends about each other, no pda, and no bringing each other to events. but soon it could become so much worse, the entire kpop world watching and judging our every move.

and he is actively keeping his options open. i've watched him flirt with other pretty boys who are less dangerous to be with. he can have his pick of anyone. why would he choose to stay with me?

     tears don't leave my eyes but prickle right behind them. i can't move, a numbness wrapping around my entire body and suffocating me.

- felix -

     i open my eyes to find hyunjin staring at me blankly. still half asleep, my eyebrows knit together in confusion. i trail my eyes down to my hand which was holding his when i went to sleep. now it lays cold and empty on the mattress between us, hyunjin's hand withdrawn and tucked close to his body. what's going on?

     friday.

     the day the stayhub article comes out.

     oh, fuck this shit.

     i roll my eyes and shift my body under the covers, turning over and moving to get up. if hyunjin still wants to break up with me after last night that's his problem. i won't say that it doesn't hurt me; losing hyunjin is causing my heart to splinter into pieces. but grief has five stages and i have already gone through denial and bargaining. i will cling to anger as long as i can before being dragged down into the depths of depression.

     i grab some clean clothes and shuffle into the bathroom. once i'm finished there, i move to the kitchen and start pulling the ingredients i need out of the fridge, just enough to cook for myself. alas, my tender heart takes over and i crack an additional three eggs onto the frying pan. i sigh as i watch them sizzle against the hot metal.

     soft footsteps catch my attention and then my body tightens as hyunjin peers over my shoulder at the pan. i press my lips together at the feeling of his breath against my neck. after a long second, he pulls away.

     "is there anything i can do to help? would you like some coffee or tea?" my heart aches at his simple offer.

     "tea sounds nice, thank you," i answer, my voice sounding a little croaky. i clear my throat, feeling uncertain as i continue to watch and check the eggs.

     once the eggs are fried to our liking and plated with rice and seasonings, i bring them to the table. we are sitting in the same seats we sat in on my first day here, but instead of easily flowing conversation and laughter, we eat in silence. today will probably be our last day together and there is so much weighing on my chest, an overwhelming amount that needs to be said and no way to put it into words.

"the food is delicious. thank you for cooking," hyunjin compliments, breaking the tense silence.

     "i should probably catch a flight back to australia tomorrow."

     it feels like all the sound has been sucked out of the room by a vacuum. hyunjin's hands freeze at my statement, one wrapped around his napkin and the other about to spear food with his fork. tell me not to leave, i silently urge him. tell me i got it wrong and you want me to stay forever. tell me how deeply you care about me. tell me to stay.

     "i'll buy your ticket tomorrow morning."

     knives stab into my heart. he is breaking up with me. suddenly the eggs are sitting in my stomach wrong and i think i might be sick. i push my chair away from the table and it screeches in the silence.

     "i... i need to use the bathroom," i excuse myself before walking as fast as i can in that direction. i lock the door behind myself and slide down it, eyes closed and tears streaming down my face, shaking against the solid wood. i try to keep my ragged breaths and sniffles as quiet as i can while completely falling apart.

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this chapter is SO "say don't go" by taylor swift coded and i swear i came up with the whole thing BEFORE taylor dropped the song! it just happens to fit so perfectly!!

tap dancing is my passion; the style is so beautiful and i think i could be a star!

did you catch the secret message? okay, byeee!~

— starlostlovers