i want you hyunjin || hyunlix

arcade

- hyunjin -

     there are still a few minutes left before the recording session begins, so i decide to make a quick stop at the restroom. felix is walking faster than me and appears to know where he is going, so i don't bother telling him. once i'm finished, i step into the recording studio and look around. when i spot felix, a queasy feeling settles over me. he is standing in the corner of the room talking to the cameraman.

     the cameraman, who happens to be the male staff member who was checking out felix at the meeting.

     matt, who the rumors say is bisexual and single.

     i've overheard people in the company talk about how matt is "really cute in a tech-dork way". he's good at his job, personable, and has a nice smile. i've never had any interest in him, but i've never had any complaints about him either.

i walk over to the couches and slump on to an empty one, trying not to let matt talking to felix bother me. i need to stay in a good mood and focus on my singing and rapping today. i don't have time to be jealous, i need to let it go.

    just as i'm thinking that, i hear felix start laughing and i automatically look up. he's laughing at something matt said. they are standing closer together now and appear to be getting to know each other.

i need a distraction.

3racha are busy having a meeting at the desk covered with soundboards, so i focus on minho, seungmin, and jeongin who are sitting on the couch next to mine going over their parts of the songs. looking between seungmin and jeongin, i remember my talk with seungmin last night.

     "hey, seungmin, come 'ere," i say, patting the couch cushion next to me. he lowers his eyebrows grumpily but gets up and comes over anyway.

     "what is it?" he asks, relaxing into the spot i indicated with one arm thrown over the back.

     "nothing, i just wanted to ask whether you ended up watching a movie or not," i explain. he gives me a side eye but i notice the faint smirk.

     "well, we watched most of it," he answers and my eyes widen with surprise. did they... do something else instead of finishing it? seungmin catches my look and immediately explains, waving his hands.

     "what?! no! not like that, we just fell asleep!" he explains in a rushed whisper, looking flustered. i have never seen him like this before and it causes me to giggle. he nudges me sharply in the arm and i let out a squeak of pain, rubbing the spot he attacked while smiling widely.

     seungmin quickly changes the topic to something far less interesting, but i only catch bits and pieces of it. my eyes are back on felix and my thoughts with them. i watch as he walks around the recording studio with his cellphone up, searching for a good spot to film from. my stomach twists as i watch him walk back to matt's side.

"alright, everyone!" chan stands up to give us an announcement. "today, we are going to start with s-class. let's have quiet in the studio while people are in the booth. jisung, you're up first. thank you."

ten minutes later, jisung walks out of the booth confidently and comes over for some high-fives.

"alright, dude you're up next," he informs me after slapping my hand. i nod and stand up, waiting for felix to notice me as i walk into the booth.

he never does.

instead, i watch as matt starts another conversation with him. i'm in the booth now, only separated from felix by a wall of glass but he is still looking anywhere but at me. i watch as he finds a funny video on his phone and shows it to matt. they laugh and lean their heads together to watch.

"hyunjin, let's start with the chorus, okay?" i hear chan's voice fill the booth and i snap my head towards him instead. i need to stop looking at felix and getting distracted. i need to focus on doing my parts perfectly so that stays can enjoy them. i need to stop the sinking feeling in my gut reminding me that this isn't the first time felix has encouraged someone else who's flirting with him.

     maybe it's the small space, or maybe it's the war i'm having with myself in my head, but my body starts heating up. changbin is talking to me but i can't concentrate because i'm overheating so badly. i need to remove this stupid sweatshirt. i throw off my baseball cap first and then strip off my black celine sweatshirt, dropping them both in the corner before returning the headphones to my ears. i still feel hot, but at least i can breathe again.

"you can do a bit better," changbin says after i've already sang the chorus a million times. i need to get it right this time. focus. stop making the syllables too short. stop thinking about felix. i need to do this.

"that was so good. nice one hyunjin," changbin finally congratulates me after checking with chan. i feel relief that it's over but also guilt that i wasn't able to get it done right sooner. i shouldn't be letting my group down like this. i feel my body heating up again so i roll up the sleeve of my t-shirt to cool down.

"thank you guys," i respond before quickly moving on to my next part, not listening to changbin's comforting words.

once i've finished, i force myself to not look at felix and instead walk over to the couch that seungmin was originally on. that way, i won't be able to see felix and matt flirting. if i don't know that it's happening, maybe it won't distract me as much.

shuffling through my music sheets, i look for my parts in the next song. if i focus on them now, i should be able to finish quicker in the booth later. as i find what i'm looking for and read it over, i feel sick to my stomach. it's the rap that felix wrote for "fnf". secretly, i have been practicing this part relentlessly. whenever felix is in the shower or busy gaming or working, i repeat it over and over again, wanting to make it perfect for him. i take a deep breath in, trying to steady my shaking body. focus. practice.

finally, it's my turn in the booth again. i feel felix's eyes on me but i'm not ready to look at him yet. i don't want to mess up my concentration. instead, i glance at matt, making sure his eyes are on me too. thankfully, they are. i inwardly sigh in relief.

okay, let's do this.

"i fell apart, burnt to the ground
got nothing but ashes in my eyes
it's black and cold as night
i wish i was there with you
by your side
i don't know if i can
sleep well tonight"

i channel my sadness and anger into the verse and let it all out. it feels even better than when i practiced. chan looks taken aback. he glances around at everyone else in the room like "did you guys hear that?" then he plays it back for good measure and turns to felix with a grin.

"well, since felix wrote that section... felix, what did you think? any comments?" he asks. i swallow hard and keep my eyes on chan.

     "that... was perfect." felix's voice comes out kind of raspy. my eyes itch to look at him but i hold my gaze on chan who smiles at him comfortingly.

     "i agree," chan nods before clicking a few buttons and getting ready to record the next part. i flip my music sheet to the other side and prepare myself.

all of my "fnf" parts go very smoothly and it eases the guilt i felt from messing up earlier. i need to keep it up. i step out of the booth and hurry back to the couch hidden from felix so i can practice the next song the same way.

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