This Is Me Trying

Chapter 17: Dropping Point

IT'S BEEN a week since Hayland had a serious talk with Solis and she really did comply with her bold and brave statement – to stay away from him and cut ties with him in all ways possible. Even the least means of communication can't help him to get through her. He can't even blame Mara and Minerva for siding with her since he knows that they are just after Solis's well-being.

Without a choice, he accepted it half-heartedly.

"Love? How are you? I miss you..." he whispered, drinking his black coffee. His too much intake of caffeine leads him to three sleepless nights but he only shrugged it off. "I hope you're doing fine wherever you are."

Of course, he couldn't stand Solis being miles away from him but it is what it is. He did really hit something fragile while he was on his way to make things right and when he accidentally punched that string, it did the worst thing and now, Solis is too done with him.

She is now sailing far, far away with a blurry intention of coming back to him. His beloved is too broken. Too shattered to even bat an eye for him for the very last time. She is really true to her word. Even if he'll smack his head a million times, it can't bring his wife back.

"I miss you." Another shattering plea came out into the open air.

The dropping point – he knows too well that Solis still loves him but it doesn't mean that she isn't aching anymore. She can't forgive him if she is too broken. She can't love him in that state either. He now fully understood after thinking about it several times.

He sighs, sipping his usual dark coffee that is now tasteless in his buds but still, he loves how the hot substance burns his tongue and throat. This is his punishment, he strongly believes; like how he burnt their relationship into the ground.

"I'm sorry," he bitterly said, dropping his coffee mug into the table. A deep sigh can be heard after. A sigh of longing, guilt, and regrets.

Every night when he lies in his room, the king-sized bed is too wide for him. He is used to his wife's presence, her warmth, and her clinginess. Every night, he misses her so badly. It gets colder and colder and colder even if the night is warm. How much more is the cold night and the proceeding cold breeze outside?

However, even how cold the night was, it didn't even come close to the bareness and the coldness that he'd been feeling. Another sigh escapes from his mouth after swallowing the hot liquid in his grasp.

"Maybe I'm too much for her. If only I had listened to her the first time, she shouldn't have done this and even divorced me," he chuckles bitterly. "I pushed her to her limits. How stupid of me to not think about it."

He hoped that someday, Solis would come back to him, and if she didn't, it might kill him but he's okay with that. All he just wanted was her forgiveness. Her trust is something he has been thankful for since the day their relationship bloomed.

Never did Solis doubt him and the feelings he had for her. If only he did cherish it... the extreme trust and faith she has suddenly stumbles down and Hayland doesn't know how to bring it back; this is completely their dropping point.

There's no turning back.

Solis never dares to come back either.

"Sorry for everything. I caused this to us and I am going to pay for it. Haven't known it is this painful to walk alone. Nevertheless, I will try my best. I hope that at the end of this dark tunnel, there is a light."

Solis is the light. He believed she was. That's what he keeps on mumbling through his ragged breathing. He almost forgot about the movie he's been watching. Maybe he drifted too far to realize that the TV screen is running halfway through the movie.

"Let's get a divorce. I can't do this anymore. It's not working. We've already tried. This is our last shot and it never really worked. I'm sorry, baby."The woman in the movie he's been watching suddenly burst out crying.

"No, Emily. Please, we can try again." The guy tried to touch her but she squirmed away.

"Can't you understand? It's making us uncomfortable. It's hurting us. Don't you want peace, Edmond?" the woman cried out, clutching her head.

"But, baby, we'll be fine. I'll be good." The guy tried to bargain again. "I will try my best. Just hold on still."

"I'm tired and it gets toxic even more. I can't live like this, Edmond. We... I don't know but this is getting absurd. If we keep on seeing each other, the wounds won't heal. The best way is to end it all. Let's get a divorce."

"But Emily..."

"You wanted me to be happy, don't you? The only way is to break free from you completely. The only way to make me happy is if you let me go freely."

There were no tears in Hayland's eyes as he kept an ear on the dialogue in the movie before him. His hollow eyes are too tired to even try. Surprisingly, every night he still has something to let out from his eyes.

Like in the movie, he wanted Solis to be happy. The woman named Emily wanted to be free and so as his Solis. He swallowed, his chest was suppressed, eyes were lingering while his hands were shaking.

Reaching for the brown folder on the other side of the coffee table, he nibbles his lips. He even held his breath upon seeing Solis's signature there. It's a divorce paper she sent just this morning. Seeing her signature on it, made him want to die literally.

His beloved Solis, oh, his ever precious Solis is asking him to sign it too... but he is contemplating—there goes his selfishness again. He is completely afraid. To whom, that, he didn't know.

He can't. He can't let go of her but he wants her to be happy. He can't be selfish too so he lets his rational being take control. He already had his lessons and he takes time learning from them.

He leans on his back and with a sharp breath, clutches his head tightly. He feels like it is breaking apart from throbbing extremely. He then stared at his wedding ring, smiling bitterly as he kissed it.

"This is the only thing that keeps us together even if we're apart. If this ring would be torn off from my skin... what would be left of me?"

His eyes grazed at their beautiful wedding portrait. In his mind, he's asking if they're this happy if only he didn't ruin their bond. If only he didn't mess up—but his thoughts remained there in the void of silence where screams are the loudest.

He might be crazy but caressing the happy face of Solis in that photo wearing her wedding gown with her dark brown hair finely braided around her head like a crown, adorned with butterfly beads—their favorite. Somehow, it made him at ease. That precious smile is enough to calm his mind.

"You're very, very pretty. I wish to see your smile again. I swear, if the time will come, I will make it right for the both of us. I will marry you again ten times and prove to you that I am better than the old Hayland Clarkson. Please, wait for me. Don't give up on me. I will try my best. I will fix this myself."

He swears at that very moment that he will do everything for his betterment. He wanted his beloved back and he would start it with himself. He will follow what she wants. He will try and let time heal his wounds and forgive himself for his sins.

If he is well enough, he'll find Solis himself, take her back, and prove to her that he deserves his second chance. When that time comes, he hopes that she is ready to take him again because, from this day on, he will start to redeem himself—redeem the marriage he had dropped absentmindedly because of a particular mistake he had made shamefully.

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End Notes: Hi! Your thoughts about this chapter are much appreciated. Thank you very much.