This Is Me Trying

Chapter 19: Regaining Once Self

THE stormy breeze on the farm of Solis's uncle plays her hair restlessly. She smiled while closing her eyes fondly, letting her long and dark brown hair swim into the waves of the wind. She loves the atmosphere here. It's been nine months since she came here and all she can think about is how marvelous it is to be surrounded by nature.

She fell in love with the green surroundings. She fell in love with the horses. She loves walking around the acres with her newfound Aspin friend. She loves witnessing the crops of vegetables and she even fell in love with the tall talahib grass.

She feels alive and recharged. Oh, how she loves her bare feet touching the damp pavement. She feels good being grounded again after how many years of smoking with pollution. She believes that Mother Nature has the power to heal.

"Ah, what a beautiful day!" She smiled into the wind.

Then suddenly, her mind travels down towards her hometown. She held her chest and to her surprise, she couldn't find the hatred anymore. Not even the disgust that she has honed for the longest time. His name before brought her a million shards but now, it still hurt her a little but not to the point that she wanted to curse his name over and over.

"Bugs! Here!" she shouted as soon as she spotted her new-found friend, an Aspin.

The dog excitedly yelps and runs to her while wagging his tale. She extended her arms widely and wrapped Bugs into a warm embrace. "Who's adorable and handsome? It's you!"

This earned her a face-lick from Bugs. Chuckling, she sat on the bermuda grass and Bugs did the same. She loved him so much. Bugs is her Uncle's dog but he's kind enough to let Bugs accompany her while she's mending her broken heart.

Bugs is also one of the factors why she's coping with her paranoia. He gives her company and he adores her so much. Bugs reminded Solis of her worth and how beautiful it is to live. On her third month here, she almost drowned herself in the river. Bugs made her realize that life is worth living no matter how hard it is.

He may not talk but the day when he came and saved her, and tried to drag her away from the water, she broke down once again. The innocent soul cares for her. He made her wake up from his hazy thoughts. Her mind is too dangerous—it's not a match but it can burn her whole being in just a snap.

"Buggy boy, my baby... thank you for saving me," she said as she kissed his head. "I will protect you from the world, that, I promise."

Bugs bark and licks her chin before laying his head in her lap. She smiled, petting him as she hummed a particular song. A song that reminded her of Hayland. She still felt the sting of pain coiled into her heart but it's not the same pain she have been feeling way back. It's lighter, it is bearable, and it's forgivable.

Her beautiful smile can't be erased looking at the mango tree in front of her. She remembered something. Hayland is her college sweetheart. The day they first meet is under the tree where they both seek shelter from the rain.

They didn't bring their umbrella with them. Maybe it was the universe's way of telling them to finally meet and when their eyes locked into each other, Solis knew that she was whipped. She stared at a stranger's eyes before but her heart didn't react the same way as she looked at Hayland.

He's a good-looking guy, tall and tanned. His perfectly shaped but bushy brows and his sharp jaws added more features to his face. He also has this mesmerizing set of eyes that she can't even resist. The moment he smiled at her, she was doomed.

Hayland has also a golden voice but he rarely shows it to the world. He loves playing his guitar and the first time that she heard him play was the day that he serenaded her under the tree where they first met. Unfortunately, the bitter clouds rained on them that very same day.

That didn't stop them though. Like a kid, they ran and made fun of the rain. That day is also their first kiss under the crying clouds. She still remembered how Hayland's supple mouth touched hers and how his hands grabbed her slender waist. She shivered not because of the cold but because of the anticipation as her heart thudded loudly.

That day, she knows that she's in love.

Solis snickered, kissing Bugs as she didn't realize that she'd been daydreaming. Surprisingly, it is about her and Hayland's. This is the very first time in a while that she did reminisce those good memories with her and her ex-husband. She purrs as she closes her eyes once again.

"I missed him, Bugs..." she whispered longingly. She has no idea about him anymore and she never heard of him either.

"Then why don't you come and see him?" A sudden voice made her jerk, causing Bugs to bark and run to the owner of the voice, wagging its tail gleefully.

"U-Uncle Roderick? Oh my god, you're giving me a heart attack!" she exclaimed, clutching her chest.

Uncle Roderick just smirked, petting Bugs while his bare hand was pointing at her chest. "Does it still hurt?"

"What do you mean?" asked Solis confusedly.

He responded, "Your heart."

Solis smiled sheepishly. "I'm fine. I'm just glad that I've overcome my hatred. I don't want myself to live in madness forever. Somehow, this place is giving me hope that I can see the light again."

"It does. It's peaking, right?" Uncle Roderick kind of agreed, smiling with his thick mustache.

"I'm almost there, Uncle. Thank you," Solis said thoughtfully.

He snorted, "My pleasure, dear. Just remember that you are brave because you are your mother's daughter."

This made her laugh. "I guess I am... I miss Mom."

"What? She's been here a while ago," he cackles.

She pouted, "I know but I still miss her every day."

Uncle Roderick nods, "How about him?"

"Hayland?" she asked in a matter of seconds.

Amusedly, Uncle Roderick smirked as he played with his growing mustache. "Wow! You're not hurting anymore with that name?"

"Yeah. I miss him too... but I'm afraid to see him again. You know, what if all the painful memories will surge to the surface again and then—I don't know. I still don't know, Uncle."

"You'll be fine, Solis. Someday, you will overcome your fear. I'm not forcing you or something. Just do it in your little way. We are just here to watch over you. Don't be afraid to miss a step. Everyone does. You just have to keep going."

She nods, "I know. I will keep that in mind most of the time."

Uncle Roderick patted her head. For him, Solis reminds him of his daughter. "I'll be here while you are continuously regaining your pieces back. Let me patch some pieces myself. By that, it won't be too hard to do it all by yourself."

"Thank you, Uncle. I always know that wherever I go, I will never be alone," she whispered, smiling at him and this made Uncle Roderick return the favor.

She knows by now that she will never be alone. She got friends and family to protect her from the world if needed. She has a place where she can mend all her brokenness. She got Bugs with her who opened her eyes again for her worth. She got everything she ever wished for.

Someday, I can forgive you fully, she whispered into the thin air.

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End Notes: Hi! Your thoughts about this chapter are much appreciated. Thank you very much.