deep down i still care about gus, i always did. that's the only reason i could use to rationalize me standing in the middle of a crowd of teenagers. sweaty, awful, screaming teenagers at this small, so incredibly small concert venue. i tried to fight my way to the front the best i could. obviously none of these people know who i am, i don't think gus is famous enough yet people have stalked his high school ex.
the lights in the venue dimmed, more light focusing on the stage. gus walked out, it was hard to take my eyes off him. "hi" he said to the crowd, triggered everyone around me to yell.
gus had gone through a few songs. he's talented , really. i felt oddly proud of him, im not sure why it felt weird to feel proud. i was so horrible to him in the past it feels like i'm faking my own genuine positive feelings.
"ask me if i still love her
i'm on xans i forget
bitch did you forget ?
you cut through me like a wrist"
obviously he still had some thoughts about me. maybe coming here wasn't the best idea. song after song he rubbed it in more and more how much i hurt him.
"i have someone very special here tonight. we have some healing to do, together, i just want you to know this, this one's for you" gus said, suddenly looking me in the eye, somehow pinpointing me in the crowd.
"just remember that i'm still right here
and if you doubt me that's just fine
and when it comes clear
i'll be waiting right here
just tell me you need me
and i'll meet you right there"
the bastard isn't making this easy. we hurt each other, a lot. of course i want to run back to him, he was all i had and i've been all alone since. i'm scared to get hurt again, im scared to hurt him again, i have no idea why he still has patience and room in his heart for me. his stupid massive heart that i took advantage of, ripped out and stepped on.
gus is right though. this isn't a coincidence. i want to give him another chance i really truly do. i want to be cared for again, loved again. i want to give him back what he deserves. i've tried to change, honestly. but if the old jj still comes around sometimes is he going to pack up and leave again? i can't go through this again. i can't.
"thank you guys so much for coming out tonight. i appreciate and love every single one of you i wouldn't be here without you guys. jj why don't you meet me backstage?" gus said into the mic after he finished his last song. i was a little startled when he called my name infront of the whole audience.
as the crowd began to funnel out, i made my way back towards the stage. some guy dressed in black, im assuming someone who works there noticed me and ushered me further into the back of the venue. he showed me to a door where gus was sitting with a few other guys. i leaned against the door frame, hoping my presence would speak for itself.
"jj!" gus smiled at me while he approached me. "i'm glad you made it" he said. "was that song really for me?" i asked. "yes" he said, grabbing my hand with both of his. "and it's true. i'm right here. whenever you're ready. how would you feel about staying at my place tonight?" he asked. "i think i'd like that" i decided. "good" he said. "let's go".
YOU ARE READING
pandora | lil peep (SEQUEL TO SPACE CADET)
Fanfiction-"one day, curiosity got the better of pandora and she did open the box out flew plagues, sorrows, and all sorts of evils against man the only good thing in the box, was hope"
