pandora | lil peep (SEQUEL TO SPACE CADET)

chapter 11

jj's pov 

"will you please forgive me? it's not even my kid" gus pleaded. his eyes were glazed with tears, waiting to spill at any moment. 

looking at him made me feel like my heart was made of paper and someone was crumpling it into a ball. "i don't know if i can gus. you have a lot going on, i had finally reached a point where i had a nice quiet life again" i told him.

"jj i blocked her its over i promise. i wont ever let her pull anything again" he begged. "yeah for now, how do i know there isn't someone else?" i asked. 

"you know i wouldn't do that to you babe. i saw you again and never looked back" he said. "that's just not true" i told him. 

"why are you being like this?" he asked me "i'm not being like anything", i raised my voice. he was getting on my last nerve. 

"yes the fuck you are" he said, "i thought you changed". he scoffed, standing up from my bed.

"well i guess we're both just the fucking same" i yelled at him.  "you can never just have a normal fucking conversation. can't you just ever forgive someone for making a mistake? or is the world supposed to just keep on spinning for you no matter how bad you fucked up?" he asked. 

"i didn't fuck up gus. this is on you" i said. "how about the last time we were together and you treated me like shit the whole fucking time?" he asked. "stop changing the subject" i screamed at him. "of course. stupid of me to think you'd ever own up" he rolled his eyes. 

"get out of my fucking house" i told him, stomping to the bedroom door. "i'm not even trying to be the bad guy here jj, let's just talk about this" he said, a little more calmly. 

"well one of us lied about being engaged and it wasn't me" i said. "how many times do i have to apologize jj?" he asked. "not sure yet, keep trying" i told him.

"you are impossible. no wonder no one sticks around for you" he said. "did you really just say that?" i asked "yes" he said bluntly. 

"you are so fucking cruel" i yelled at him, "me?" he asked, "i gave you everything. i took care of you. i make one mistake and can't be forgiven but all i have ever done for you is be a fucking punching bag" he said. 

"well if that's how you really feel it shouldn't be too hard to leave me the hell alone. get out" i screamed at him. my anger was beginning to crack, my voice cracked on the verge of tears. 

"you don't want this jj" gus told me, "don't tell me what i want" i yelled, a tear escaping from my eye. "jj, it's me, just let me in. stop putting up walls. i know neither of us want this. "im not putting up walls you're just a fucking asshole" i turned away from him so he couldn't see me crying. 

"i'm trying to be calm here, i understand you're angry. i made a mistake and i'm sorry i'll do anything to make it up to you. i don't want to have to lose you again. it's okay to let yourself be vulnerable sometimes. you don't have to hide between anger and being mean and cold around me." he tried to console me, sitting back down on the bed.

he was right, but i just couldn't let it happen. this is all i know how to be. i tried ot be different, i really did, but this is just who i am.

"i hate you so fucking much" i told him,  "no you don't" he said. "yes i do, get out" i screamed, tears now running down my face. "how could you do this to me? everyone leaves me" i cried. "i'm not leaving you" he said "yeah but you're saying you will" i told him. 

"we just need to get through this together" he said, "and you have to let me".

"please gus. just get out. i just can't do this" i said, i was running out of energy for this. 

"i will help you. please baby" he said, putting his hand on my shoulder. 

"don't touch me" i pushed his hand away. 

"you know what. fuck this. i am trying so fucking hard for you and you don't even care. nothing has changed you're the same selfish fucking bitch you were before. i was wrong for thinking you could ever care about anyone but yourself" gus snapped. 

i didn't say anything, just stared at the wall in front of me.

"fuck you too" he said, storming out. 

i didn't stop him. i didn't change my gaze until i heard the front door slam behind him. 

i don't know why i'm like this. i don't know how to stop. i didn't even mean most of anything i just said. i really fucked this up again. 

i don't deserve him. i don't deserve anyone really. sometimes i really just think i'd be better off dead.