"we we're having a girl" jj said, "i wanted to surprise you" her voice cracked, beginning to cry again. i don't think either of us had really stopped since last night. "a girl?" i asked, she nodded yes.
"we're gonna get through this" i told her, "how am i supposed to move on from this? i was supposed to protect her, take care of her" she sounded completely hopeless.
"i know babe, but you're a good mom. you we're gonna be amazing. jj you really can't blame yourself. it's not your fault please listen to me" i begged her
the nurse came back into the room. "hi guys" she said.
"since you've medically stabilized the doctor wants to discharge you" she said. she handed us a stack of papers. "these are your discharge instructions. if you have a fever, any severe pain or you start bleeding again we need you to come back to emergency. you'll have to take one of these pills each day for the next 5 days to ensure you don't retain any sort of placental tissue" she explained
"okay" i nodded, i'm not sure jj was even listening. "i'm very sorry for your loss. you guys are free to go" the nurse said. "thank you" i said to her.
"jj we can go home baby" i grabbed her bag and helped her up. she was quiet, she's progressively spoke less and less. i can't imagine her pain, she wanted this baby so bad. so did i.
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we arrived home, i picked jj up to take her to bed. she needed to rest. i got into bed with her. i didn't know how we were supposed to do this. i had to take care of her, but it broke me too. "i love you jj, i'm sorry. this isn't your fault" i reminded her.
"yes it is, i'm a failure. you should hate me" she said. "you're not a failure. i'd never hate you. we're gonna get through this together." i said. we laid in bed, i let us just be silent. there were no words to help either of us right now.
i was worried about her, i could already see her spiralling. i couldn't lose her too.
"what would you have wanted to name her?" she asked me.
the doctor said it was healthy to grieve like this, to talk about our daughter.
"i would have wanted to name her after my mom somehow" i told her, "i like that idea" she said.
"we'll name her liza?" she asked, "i'd like that" i told her
"i should have done better" she told me. "you did all you could. no one could have predicted this" i told her.
"whats my purpose now? i was so scared to be a mom but now i don't know what else i'm supposed to do?" she asked
"you just need to take care of yourself. do it for her. she's watching us now" i reminded her.
"i wanna be with her" she said, "what do you mean jj?" i asked, i didn't like how she was talking.
"nothing" she said, "should we go back to the hospital?" i asked her. "no" she said quickly.
"i'm worried about you jj" i told her, "don't be" she said.
"i'm going to nap" she said, curling into bed. "get some rest my love" i told her.
i don't think theres a worse feeling in the world. i was gutted.
YOU ARE READING
pandora | lil peep (SEQUEL TO SPACE CADET)
Fanfic-"one day, curiosity got the better of pandora and she did open the box out flew plagues, sorrows, and all sorts of evils against man the only good thing in the box, was hope"
