this is me trying: taylor swift + joe alwyn

ten

26th December, 2022

This was the last straw. The thing that pushed me over the edge. I could feel my chest start to tighten as I tried to take a deep breath.

I turned away from the awful sight in front of me as my eyes began to well with tears, when I noticed the small bottle of pills I was prescribed a few weeks ago, sticking out of my overpacked bag of toiletries.

They were anti-depressants, and Joe still didn't know I had them. I was yet to take any, even though I was supposed to start taking them the day I got them. I didn't want to start relying on them. But right now they were looking like they would be helpful.

I picked up the bottle and read the label, trying to figure out how many of these small pills would be too many.

I couldn't really believe I was actually considering this. Ending my life right at this very moment, never waking up again. My hands started to shake as I read more of the label, the nerves had kicked in.

I quickly put down the bottle and took another deep breath, then unlocked the bathroom door and went and ripped a page out of the notebook that always sat in my bag. I took a pen and the piece of paper and returned to the bathroom, where I locked the door again.

I placed the paper down on the bathroom counter, and started to write. I knew if I was going to do this, I needed to leave something behind.

Dear Joe,

I have so much to say to you, and I'm going to try and fit as much as I can on this piece of paper.

I just want to start with sorry. I'm sorry I didn't come to you for help, even though you asked a thousand times, and I'm sorry it got to this point. But I was hurting Joe, and I have been hurting for a long time. I just couldn't deal with it anymore, and I really think this was the best way for me to end the pain. To be honest with you Joe, I've been struggling a lot longer then I've told you about, I guess I just thought it would go away soon, but it didn't.

You know I love you more then anything in the world. You gave me daylight in my darkest of nights, and you let me live a life where I really thought happiness was possible again. I could feel it with you, you made me realise I had a reason to stay on this Earth. But now, it's just all too much. The pain I was feeling took over. I wish I was strong enough to live the rest of my life with you, but i'm not, I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry.

I want you to know that i'll love you for eternity Joe, and because I love you, I only want you to be happy. I want you to find a woman who is kind, who loves you to pieces, and who you can share the same love for art that we did. Maybe she'll write music as well, and you can show her how musically talented you are, even though you won't admit it. Maybe one day you'll have children with her, and I just know they'll be the luckiest kids in the world. Just please make sure you're happy Joe, please.

I also want you to know that you should never ever blame yourself for this. I know you blame yourself for everything, but please Joe, please know you were doing everything right. You kept me alive this long Joe, without you this would have happened years ago. So thank you for the past few years, because while I was living in pain, they truly have been the best 6 years of my life.

I have so much more I wish I could say to you. I can't possibly fit it all onto one page. So for now, know that I'm so sorry, and I love you, forever and always.

I'll see you on the other side, but not for a long time. Enjoy your life Joe, you deserve it.

Again, I love you, more then words can express.