this is me trying: taylor swift + joe alwyn

twenty nine

"Does Dad want to cut the umbilical chord?" The doctor asked, handing Joe a pair of scissors.

I didn't even realise the chord was still attached until they asked Joe if he wanted to cut it.

That did make me realise though, I still had to 'deliver' the placenta. I'm not exactly sure on how that whole part works, so I just planned on waiting for them to tell me what to do.

All I was focussing on right now was my baby boy in my arms. He had fallen fast asleep, and every now and then he'd twitch his tiny little nose.

"Alright Taylor I know you're exhausted, but can you just give me a little push? We'll do most of the work for you this time, we just need a little help from you."

I nodded, just wanting to get this over and done with.

"Do you wanna hold him?" I asked Joe as I looked up at him.

He gave me a very enthusiastic nod. I very carefully passed him to Joe, making sure the little towel that was wrapped around him didn't fall off.

I don't know why I felt anxious about not holding him. I mean he's been inside of me for 9 months and now he's just out in the world for anyone to see and touch and hold? I don't love it. But I do know Joe will keep him safe. I know that. I'm just worrying myself.

"Okay Taylor, Molly here is just going to rub your stomach a little to help with the placenta delivery, is that okay?" The doctor asked.

"Oh- um... yeah.. that's all good." I smiled as they got started. Like she said, I didn't really have to do much. I had to push a little at one point but it didn't hurt, which was a nice change from what I went through 5 minutes ago. I was obviously still very sore though. I didn't even want to know what was going on with any part of my body below my hips right now.

When all of that was sorted, the doctor said they needed to do a few tests on Oliver like his weight, his breathing and so on, and then he would be right back in my arms.

I watched Joe carry him over to the scale and place him gently onto the little blanket. I could feel myself getting anxious that I wasn't with him, but I was trying my hardest to push all that down and enjoy these first few moments.

They started to do a few different things to him, like checking his heart rate, making sure he was breathing okay, testing his reflexes, things like that. I tried to prop myself up so that I could see him but I could only see the tip of his little toes. I was a little sad that I couldn't fully see him, but I know they have to do all these tests to make sure he's okay.

"Alright he's 5 pounds, 8 ounces, so a tiny little bub!" The doctor smiled as she wrote down his weight.

"Is he okay?" I panicked.

"Don't worry, you have a completely healthy baby boy. He's just on the smaller side, and that's perfectly okay." She assured me as she picked up my little boy off the scales, and brought him back over to me and laid him gently on my chest.

"Would you still like to try breastfeeding now?" She asked. I'm glad she remembered, because I really did want to. They asked a lot of questions at my last appointment before he was born about how I wanted things to happen right after the birth. One of those questions was whether I wanted to breastfeed or not, which I definitely wanted too. I completely understand the women that wouldn't want to, and preferred to pump and then bottle feed their baby instead, but I knew I wanted to at least try.

"Yeah I want to try.... I just... have no idea how." I said slightly embarrassed.

"That's okay you're not expected to know. I'll help you." She smiled and came to help me. It took a little while for him to start eating, but eventually he latched on and immediately knew what to do.