this is me trying: taylor swift + joe alwyn

eleven

26th December, 2022

"Taylor I need you to tell me what this is. Please." Joe said, his voice cracking as he was clearly trying to hold back tears.

My mind couldn't come up with any words. I just stared back at Joe, as if I was waiting for him to say something else.

"Taylor please." Joe sobbed. He rarely cried. Sure he'd been a little more emotional the past few days for obvious reasons, but it was rare for him to really ever let out his emotions, and let other people see them.

"It's not what you think it is," was all I managed to say. He knew full well what it was, and I could tell he was getting annoyed that I wasn't telling him the truth.

"Please don't lie to me."

I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't have this conversation. I grabbed the small piece of paper from Joe's hand and took a deep breath before tearing it into pieces and then throwing those pieces in the bin.

"I'm so tired, let's just go to bed." I said as I reached for Joe's hand and started to pull him back to bed.

"Taylor stop it. You can't act like this isn't serious. I'm so worried about you, and I want to help you, please just let me." Joe pleaded.

"I wasn't gonna do it. I promise. You have nothing to worry about. Please, can we just go to sleep?"

Joe looked like he was close to breaking down crying. It absolute shattered my heart to see him like this.

"Fine..."

We got into bed together and I laid my head in its usual spot, his chest. I knew he was about to bombard me with questions. There's no way he was going to go to sleep if he didn't.

"Why did you write it?" Joe asked quietly as he started to play with my hair.

"I just- okay. This morning after we had our little... fight... I went to the bathroom, remember?" I started to explain.

Joe nodded, which I took as an indication to continue.

"Well... when I went to the bathroom I-... I saw it..." I could barely say it out loud.

"Saw what...?" Joe asked as he stopped playing with my hair to fully concentrate on what I was saying.

"The baby..." I managed to stutter out. Tears threatened to spill out of my eyes as I thought back to this morning, and the sight of my baby.

"Oh... Taylor..."

"When I saw it I just... I couldn't... I don't know. It hurt so much Joe. So so much. It made this all... real. And after that I- I couldn't handle it anymore. Everything became too much. I was in so much pain physically, mentally and emotionally... I thought it would be the easiest way out."

I was crying at this point. I really don't like talking about my feelings. It makes everything so much more real. If I didn't talk about something, usually I could just push it away and ignore it, but saying things out loud means I'm admitting that I'm not okay, which is something I've struggled to do my entire life.

"Oh Tay... you know that's not true though, right? You know pain is always only temporary. And yes, sometimes it can be so bad that you feel like it's never going to end, but I promise you it will. I promise."

"I know that Joe... well... most of the time I know that. But sometimes the rational part of my brain just disappears... and that makes me so fucking scared cause I don't wanna die but I'm scared that one day I won't be able to stop myself." I started to sob uncontrollably now.

What if Joe didn't knock on the door this morning? Would I even be alive right now? Is that knock the only thing that stopped me from going through with my plan right there and then? What if something else triggers me but Joe isn't there?

"Hey- hey, baby, it's okay take a deep breath okay? Breathe with me."

Joe started to breathe deeply, in and out. I followed him until I wasn't sobbing anymore.

"Taylor I'm going to make sure you get all the help you need. No matter what. And I'm not gonna leave your side, ever. I'm never going to let anything bad happen to you, okay?"

I took a deep breath and nodded. Maybe he was right. Maybe the pain is only temporary. But even if it is, it hurt more then anything ever before, so was it really worth waiting to find out if I would ever get better? Was it worth suffering through this pain if I could just end it all now?

.......

This is such a short chapter I know!! I'm sorry, I've just been super busy, but I want to update as much as possible so here's a bit more :)