this is me trying: taylor swift + joe alwyn

eighteen

It took a few minutes, but after I took a few deep breaths I managed to calm myself down. I didn't let go of Joe though. Even when I was trying to hate him, he still gave me so much comfort, and so much warmth. I really needed him right now.

"Can you tell me what's going on?" Joe asked as he rubbed his hand gently across my back, his arms were still wrapped around me, probably waiting for me to break the hug so that he didn't have too.

I still couldn't think of any words. I slowly unwrapped my arms from around his body, him doing the same to me.

I looked into his blue eyes, almost getting completely lost in them.

"It's gonna- sound stupid." I muttered, wiping my eyes.

"Nothing you say is stupid. What's going on Taylor?" Joe said as he placed his hand onto my thigh.

"I... I miss our baby. And I know I should have moved on by now but I just... I cant." I said before I started to cry again.

"Taylor it's been just over a week. I know it feels like it's been longer because so much has happened... but it's only been 10 days love. You're not at all expected to just 'move on'. Everyone takes their own amount of time to heal in situations like this. If I'm being honest, the entire time we were in London, I cried every night after you went to sleep. I wanted to try to be strong in front of you and my family, but during the night I just couldn't hold it in. I think subconsciously, we both loved this baby more then we ever thought we could love anyone, and that's why it hurts so much. I don't want you to ever think it's stupid for being upset about this." Joe said. He wasn't crying, but he looked like he was on the verge of letting a few tears fall.

"Did you really cry every night after I fell asleep...?" I asked.

"Every night... and it still happens. And quite often I sit, and I wonder what our little girl or boy would've been like. I usually think about what kind of a person they would be. Would they be obsessed with music like you? Or maybe obsessed with cats? And what would they want to do when they're older? Would they want to help people? Create things for people? Design things? Or maybe even change the world. Who knows... but I bet our baby would've done amazing things in their life. I don't know how they couldn't with a mum like you."

That was enough to get me crying again, after I had just calmed myself down. Our baby definitely would've changed the world.

"I love you Taylor." Joe said, wrapping his arms around me again.

"I..." Joe looked at me, optimistically. "I love you too." I stuttered out. I almost found it hard to tell him I loved him too. He had caused me so much pain the past few days, it felt wrong to say those words to him. But I do love him, so much, and that will never change.

Joe smiled and grabbed my hand to squeeze it.

"Holy shit Taylor you're entire body is trembling..." He said, looking down at my shaky hand that he had a hold of.

I knew exactly what was going on. This was day 3 of no eating, and my body was shutting down. I couldn't ignore these signs that starving myself clearly wasn't good for me, but something about the weak feeling it gave me made me happy. It made me feel like I was really accomplishing something.

"I'm fine don't worry." I said quietly, pulling my hand away from Joe.

"Taylor when did you last eat?" Joe asked, grabbing my hand again and holding it tight, feeling every tremble.

I didn't want to lie to him. But I also didn't want to tell him the truth. I tried to come up with a response, but Joe started talking again before I could think of something to say.

"I know the face you make when you're trying to make up something to say. You haven't been eating, have you..."

Joe and I have had this conversation so many times. Every time this fucking eating disorder makes a reappearance, he feels the need to get involved. I don't know why. This is my problem and I'm the one who needs to fix it. Him forcing me to eat isn't going to help.

"Joe, I'm fine, alright?" I said, standing up slowly. My head started to spin but I chose to ignore it, and started making my way to the bathroom.

"Where are you going?" Joe said, standing up and starting to follow me.

"I just need a moment." I went into the bathroom and shut the door, then turned around and leaned my back against the door, before sliding down onto the floor.

I placed my hand onto my heart, clenching it tightly as if it would make the pain go away. Why did my heart ache so much? I never imagined I'd be able to feel physical pain in my heart, but here I am, on my bathroom floor, feeling it all.

Joe continued to tell me all my feelings were valid. And I know they are, I know I'm allowed to be upset, I mean, I lost my baby, is there really anything worse? I feel like the worst mother in the world. My baby that I was supposed to keep healthy, and grow, and care for, died because of their own mom. Can I even call myself a mom? I don't have any kids, unless I do? If someone was to ask me- do you have any kids, would I say yes? Or does it not count because they were never born? I don't know all the logistics behind this kind of thing. I just know I feel like a failure of a mother. And I feel the worst guilt I've ever felt because I know I'm responsible for my baby not being born.

I felt like I had never cried so much in my whole life. I simply sat on the floor letting myself cry until there were absolutely no tears left. I felt completely empty. Not just emotionally, but physically. I felt like there was a gaping hole inside of me that should be where my baby is.

I don't know why all these emotions were coming back. They seemed to be even stronger then before. It felt like the pain was only getting worse. And I thought for a few days in London that I was starting to move on. Starting to slowly be happier again. But that didn't happen. It got worse. Everything got worse.

"Taylor? Can I come in?" Joe asked after knocking lightly on the door.

Without answering him, I pulled myself up off the floor and opened the door. Joe took one look at the state I was in and his mouth hung slightly open.

"Come here Tay..." Joe said softly, pulling me in and hugging me tightly. I let myself embrace the hug for a few seconds, before pulling away.

"I just... need to be alone. I think I'm going to try writing something." I said, trying to wipe the continuous tears streaming down my face.

"That sounds like a good idea. Do you want me to sit with you?"

I know he was just trying to be supportive, but I really wanted to be alone.

I slightly shook my head, letting him know I didn't need him with me.

"Okay. Let me know if you need anything, even if it's just a hug." Joe said with a small smile.

I gave him a smile back, and nodded. It was too hard to be mad at this man. Maybe it was all just an accident. Maybe he didn't mean to do what he did. Maybe he was just really drunk.

I made my way to the slightly smaller room at the front of my house, that had a grand piano sitting right in the middle. I've written a lot of my favourite songs at this piano, it's also helped me through a lot of tough times in my life, so I was hoping it would help in this moment too.

I sat down on the stool and took a deep breath. I didn't really have my ideas or any plan. I knew I had a lot of feelings I needed to get out though, and I knew the easiest way for me to do that was through music, as always.