this is me trying: taylor swift + joe alwyn

thirty two

January 14th, 2024

I took myself straight upstairs and found a new pacifier for Ollie. I could hear him start to cry downstairs, but for some reason I couldn't get myself to go down there. I knew he was probably hungry, and I hadn't had the chance to pump at all yet, so the only way for him to eat is from me. I made a mental note to pump the second I next get the chance, because as much as I absolutely adore Ollie, I need Joe to feed him sometimes as well.

I just needed five minutes to myself. Like I said before, I love Ollie more than anything, but all the screaming and crying was giving me instant migraines. I held my hand onto my head and sat down in the rocking chair. I told myself I'd only be here for a few minutes, but the next thing I knew, my eyes were shutting and I fell fast asleep.

What must've been only minutes later, I felt Joe tapping my shoulder and whispering 'Taylor'.

I almost instantly woke up and saw Joe standing, with a very unhappy Ollie in his arms.

"Shit sorry... I didn't mean to fall asleep I just-" I started before he cut me off.

"It's okay Tay, you have nothing to apologise for. I know you're exhausted."

I slowly nodded, but still, what kind of mom falls asleep while their baby is hungry?

"Where's mom..?" I asked, noticing she wasn't around.

"She wasn't feeling great and she didn't want to get Ollie sick, especially since he hasn't had all his shots yet." Joe explained.

"So... she left?" I questioned, followed by a nod from Joe.

"Oh.. okay." I replied with a slight frown.

"Why don't you feed him, then you can have a nap." Joe suggested.

He passed me Ollie, who was still crying. I started to feed him and thankfully he latched on quickly, I don't think my patience would've survived if he had a hard time latching.

"I don't have time for a nap, I slept earlier, I'll be fine."

"Taylor you're tired, there's nothing wrong with having a nap if you're tired." Joe said.

"Joe, I told you I'm fine." I said sternly back to him.

"Sweetie you should sleep if-

"Oh my god. Can you just-... shut up. I said I'm fine."

"Tay, I'm worried about you. You haven't exactly been yourself since yesterday." Joe said, taking a seat on the arm of the chair I was sitting in.

"I told you I'm fine. Why is that so hard to believe?" I looked up towards Joe as I felt tears fill my eyes.

"Because I know when you're lying to me and I know which smiles you're faking. So I know you're struggling at the moment, and I want to know what it is so that I can help you." Joe said calmly.

I couldn't think of a response to that. I took my eyes off Joe and looked down to Ollie who was eating peacefully. I started to think a lot about what Joe said. Maybe I am struggling right now, but I'm not even really sure why. I guess a lot of moms struggle for the first few days, so maybe I'll be fine in a week.

"I just-..." I started, not knowing where I was going.

"You just...?"

"I don't know... I guess having a baby is harder than-

I was interrupted by a loud bang that came from downstairs.

"What was that?" I asked quickly as my head jolted towards the door.