this is me trying: taylor swift + joe alwyn

fifteen

I didn't move for almost the entire day. I laid on my bed, staring at the roof, thinking.

As much as I wanted to push these thoughts out of my brain, the only thing that sat at the top of my mind was how worthless me being here is.

I don't have a purpose on this planet anymore. I know my career isn't going to last much longer, people will start forgetting I exist in a few years.

I don't have kids to stick around for, as much as I wished I did. My boyfriend, who I really thought would be the person I spend the rest of my life with, fucked some other girl.

I'm so fucked in the head I can't even do something as simple as eating without having a mental breakdown. My wrist has a small scar forming, and I just know as soon as people notice it it'll be all over the internet.

I just don't think I can do this life anymore. It's all way too hard, and even though I put in so much effort to be living this life, I still feel worthless.

So much of me wished I took more then just my phone with me when I left Joe's parents house. I wish I had those antidepressants. I wish I could take them all at once, right now, and have all this pain be over.

My mind immediately starting thinking up other ways I could end it all. What felt like a million ideas came to mind. There were a lot of options. A lot of which I could do, right here, right now.

I'm sure no one would mind if they never saw me again. Maybe it would be hard for my parents and maybe my brother too, but they'd get over it. It's not like they saw much of me anyway. I was always too busy for them. Another reason I don't deserve to be on this planet anymore.

My spiralling thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. This was now the second time I was interrupted before ending it all, and it was getting slightly annoying.

I was prepared for it to be Joe, in which case I was very prepared to slam the door straight into his face.

I went downstairs, opened the door, and as expected, Joe stood there holding a bouquet of roses in his hand. Yes they were my favourite flower, but in my opinion he's an idiot if he thinks flowers can make this better.

"What are you doing here."

"Oh good idea," I started to mock him, "Sorry I fucked another girl, here have some flowers." I rolled my eyes as I shut the door in his face.

Joe knocked again, this time asking me to 'please hear him out'.

I opened the door and crossed my arms, ready to hear whatever lame excuse he had this time.

"Can I come in...?" Joe said quietly, clearly not wanting to stand out in the cold.

Although it was cold outside, I was too petty to let him in.

"No."

"Okay.. um.. I know flowers and 'sorry' isn't going to fix this-"

"Yeah no shit."

Joe took a deep breath and continued.

"Taylor I really am sorry. I know what I did was... unforgivable... but I-

I checked my phone and it was actually a lot later then I expected.

"I have to go to the airport, if you're coming you can explain in the car, if not... I don't fucking know."

All I had here was my phone which was already in my hand, so all I needed to do was turn off all the lights and I could get out of here.

We needed to get our stuff from Joe's parents house, and Joe had his car here. It would just be easier for him to drive us both over there, but I didn't know if I was entirely ready for that.