this is me trying: taylor swift + joe alwyn

fourteen

Joe sat in silence. I could feel fury rising in me but I had to ignore it for now. I wasn't entirely sure of what he did, yet.

"We did Taylor... I'm sure of it." Joe said quietly, obviously starting to realise what had happened.

"Joe I was very drunk last night. But I know with 100% certainty I did not have sex with you twice. I don't even fucking know why I did it once, I'm not ready yet. I guess my brain wasn't thinking straight... and I doubt you used a fucking condom- with me or whoever else you fucked."

Before I could finish talking I was in tears. Joe grabbed hold of my hands but I instantly pulled away.

"Don't fucking touch me."

"Taylor I was drunk I didn't know what I was doing you know I love you more then anything-

"Joe shut the fuck up. I know you were drunk. But even when you're drunk you're still fully capable of making decisions. You consciously chose to have sex with some other girl. I don't believe for a fucking second that you 'thought it was me'. That's the most fucked up excuse I've ever heard."

I took a deep breath trying to hold in the sobs that threatened to come out of my mouth. I could feel my eyes burning red as tears fell down my face.

"Taylor I promise I-

"I don't want to hear it. Just get out..." I said, trying to hide the shakiness in my voice.

"Taylor this is my house where am I supposed to-

"I don't fucking care just leave!" I screamed into his face.

"Taylor-

"You know what? Fine. I'll go. And don't you dare fucking follow me."

I got up and grabbed my phone, then turned towards Joe.

"Fuck you."

I stormed straight out of his room and downstairs. I could feel the tears running down my face faster now. I was trying not to let myself hyperventilate by taking deep breaths.

I knew Joe was following me even though I told him not too. It was fine as long as he didn't follow me out if this house.

"Sweetheart what's wrong?" Elizabeth asked as I walked past her.

"Your son is a fucking idiot." I said as I stopped and looked at Joe.

"Joe what the fuck did you do?" Patrick asked, clearly intrigued.

"Patrick, language." Elizabeth said sternly.

"Yeah Joe. Do you want to tell your family what you fucking did?"

"I-... um-...."

"What? You can't remember?" I said as Joe stumbled over his words.

Elizabeth and Patrick both stared at Joe, waiting for an answer to come out of him.

"Okay, if he can't say it, I will. He decided it would be a good idea to go and fuck someone else. It wasn't such a good idea was it?"

"Joe what the fuck?!" Patrick said as he stood up.

"Patrick, again, language."

"Taylor's the best thing that's ever happened to you why the fuck did you do that?!"

"Good question Patrick. Why the fuck did you do it?" I said as I took a deep breath.

"I was drunk..."

"Fuck you Joe." I said, as I stormed towards the front door, walked out, and slammed it shut.

I didn't have anywhere to go from here. I didn't have a car here now. I had security I could call but that was about my only option. I called them to let them know I needed them to pick me up, and they said they'd be about 10 minutes.

I couldn't possibly go back inside now, so I sat on the front porch step, crossing my arms trying to keep myself warm. I was still only wearing a large t-shirt, which meant I was out here trying not to freeze to death. London winter is no joke.

I heard the front door start to open behind me, to which I immediately assumed was Joe.

"Joe I don't want to see you. Just leave me alone." I said without even looking back.

"It's me sweetheart. Can I talk to you?" Elizabeth said as she shut the door behind her and sat down next to me.

"Oh... um- sure... I'm sorry you had to... see all that." I said, trying not to let myself burst into tears again. 

"Don't apologise Taylor. You did nothing wrong."

I looked at Elizabeth as I felt tears slowly spilling out of my eyes, then looked back at the ground.

"I know he fucked up. And I'm not trying to sit here and convince you to forgive him straight away, but there is something I want to tell you."

I looked back up towards Elizabeth to indicate that I was listening, and eager to know what she would say next.

"Joe loves you so much. I've truly never seen him so happy in his entire life. He's been like a ball of sunshine since the day he first laid eyes on you. And I don't know if I should be telling you this next part, but I feel like you should know..." Elizabeth took a deep breath and continued talking. "A few days ago Joe asked me for his grandmothers engagement ring. He wants to propose with it."

I felt my heart sink even deeper into my chest. He actually does want to marry me?

"That ring means a lot to him. Joe and his grandma were really close, when she passed away it completely tore him apart... anyway I know that's not important right now. I just need you to know he really does love you more then anything."

I took a deep breath and looked up at Elizabeth. She put her arm around me as I leant my head onto her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry Taylor... I know you're hurting right now."

"I fucking hate him so much right now... but at the same time I love him more then anything. I think that's why it hurts so much. I just.... I wish he never got drunk."

"I know sweetie... hey I was also wondering, are you two still flying home together tonight?"

"Oh... um... we'll figure that out tonight."

"Okay love."

We sat there together in silence until my car pulled up.

"I should um... I should go." I said as I stood up.

"Do you need anything? Some food? I can come over if you need any company?" Elizabeth asked.

I let out a small smile.

"I'll be okay, thank you."

"Alright.. well if you need anything at all you call me okay? I'll always be here for you Taylor."

I gave her another smile and took a deep breath.

"Thank you. So much."

Elizabeth smiled as I got into the back of the car.

The drive was short but awful. I couldn't stop myself from crying the entire time. I think my driver got the hint that I didn't want to talk about it, thank god.

He dropped me off and I got out, found my key and walked inside. I hadn't been here in a really long time but I still have people come and clean it every now and then so it's not completely abandoned.

There was no food though, and barely any clothes. At least I didn't have to be here for long until I had to be at the airport. I had no idea if Joe was planning on coming with me, I don't mind either way, but I certainly won't be sitting next to him if he does come.

I'm tempted to revoke his private plane privileges and make him fly commercial, but I won't do that.

I went up to the main bedroom and collapsed down onto the bed. I had no idea what to do with myself. My eyes were burning from the tears and my throat felt like it could close up at any moment.

I really fucking hated Joe right now. A lot.