this is me trying: taylor swift + joe alwyn

twenty one

It didn't take long for Joe to fall asleep. We chatted for a bit, just about life, but he started not answering me which is when I realised he was fast asleep.

For some reason I couldn't seem to get this baby thing out of my head. I know it's not physically possible for a pregnancy test to work this early. It's not even possible for a doctor to see this early. But what if this time it did? I was completely dying to know.

I carefully slid out of bed, making sure I didn't wake Joe. I knew if he woke up he'd convince me not to take the test because I'd 'only be disappointed'. He would be right of course, but I didn't want his input. 

I went to the bathroom and closed the door. I'm pretty sure there are pregnancy tests in here somewhere. I mean I never had to buy them last time, but I'm sure I've bought some before.

I dug around the drawer of discarded items, you know that one drawer in everyone's house that's full of random stuff. There must be one in there.

It took a good few minutes of digging, but eventually I found a box with two tests in it, and they were digital ones so I knew they'd be pretty accurate. I took a deep breath as I pulled out one of the tests. This probably isn't a good idea, but nothing was stopping me now.

I took the test, then washed my hands and sat on the edge of the bathtub, holding the test face down. Subconsciously, my leg started bouncing up and down. I know this is a bad idea. I know I'll only be disappointed. But I still had a part of me that told me maybe there's a very small chance it would be positive.

The minutes felt like they were getting slower as time went on, which I know isn't possible, but it felt like it.

I know that being nervous and excited releases the same chemicals in your body, that's why when I'm nervous, I talk myself into being excited, cause really it's the same thing.

I couldn't figure out whether I was nervous or excited this time. I was nervous because 99% of me knows its not possible for this test to be positive. But the other 1% of me was excited, holding onto hope that when I flip this test in less then a minute, it'll have 'positive' written on it. 

After a very long 60 seconds, the timer on my phone went off. I was so lost in thought that it slightly startled me.

I thought it would just be better to get this over and done with, so without any hesitation I flipped the test.

Negative.

My heart sunk, and I know that's stupid. I shouldn't be disappointed. I knew it would be negative. And this doesn't mean I won't get pregnant within the next two weeks. I know that. But I'm still upset, even though I know I shouldn't be.

It's okay. I can take the test again in a few weeks, then it'll be positive.

I repeated this to myself in my head over and over again, before I eventually shoved the test into the back of the drawer and slammed it shut.

I didn't quite realise that this negative test would genuinely made me upset. I know, biologically, it's not possible for there to be any form of baby inside of me yet. But still, the word 'negative' on that test made something in my heart hurt.

I went back out to our bedroom, where Joe was still fast asleep. I was just realising now that I probably shouldn't have slammed that drawer so hard, but it didn't wake him up so it's okay. I climbed into bed next to him and laid as close to him as I could without waking him up.

I felt him run his fingers through my hair, which made me smile, until I realised that meant I had woken him up.

"I'm sorry for waking you." I said quietly.