WARNING, this chapter contains; mentions of self harm, cutting, anxiety, blood, self-hatred, suicidal thoughts, death wish
STARTER NOTES; hi guys! I just wanted to double warn you that this chapter does contains graphic self-harm and anxiety. If any of the above mentioned triggers you, or you don't feel comfortable reading it, please skip this. I'm sure there will be other parts that fits your preferences better. Mental health always comes first!
TO MAKE YOUR PAIN MINE
wilhelm x simon
♡
Wille used to hurt himself. He didn't do it on purpose, though. It just happened. Sometimes. It's not like it was a casual thing for him to do. He didn't just sit down to his chair with a blade in his hand only to brush it against his skin multiple times until he finally realized that it hurt, and he was covered in blood. It wasn't like that, he didn't plan it out, it was much more random.
The first time he did it was during Christmas Break. He doesn't exactly remember when; he only knows that he was so fed up with his parents' - especially his mother's - bullshit, he couldn't bear it any longer. He was missing Eric extra hard that day, and Simon didn't answer the bunch of text he sent him, either... He just had to do something, and then soon, his arms were full of cuts. He swore he will never do it again; it was selfish. He can't end up like Eric, he can't leave - even though sometimes he wanted to. It seemed easier and less painful, but he had to stay, and live his life in the shadow of his mistakes. Maybe being a prince wasn't a punishment, but this, his life, was. And that's the reason of why he let himself to lose control again.
The second time it happened was right when the snow-globe he got from Eric accidentally got broken. It was the only thing he could bring to school that made him feel his brother close again, and suddenly, it was gone, and he was picking up the remaining pieces of it from the floor... The sharp remaining pieces of glass.
They didn't leave deep scars on him, because Wille didn't want them to. He never liked pain, he was afraid to get hurt, especially now, that no one was there to comfort him... Yet, he also wanted to feel something. He was so desparately emotionless, he needed to feel something, even if it was pain. Once he realized what he was doing, he dropped the small shards he cut his skin open with, and immediately regretted his actions. He can't do that. If he dies, they are left with no heir. If he dies, August wins. If he dies, he'll never get the chance to fix it... He hoped he won't lose control again.
But he did. After the jubilee, after he confessed everything. He had no words to explain how good it felt to be honest, and out, and himself, and with Simon... He could finally breath again. But on the other hand, it was freaking scary, too. Everyone knew now, even the people who had no bussiness in his personal life. There were nasty comments spreading about him on the internet, and he could never look into his mother's eyes, ever again. She didn't say anything. Not even a goodbye. She just left... And it was all just too much for Wille; the pressure, the stress, the little voice inside his head, asking what will happen next... He couldn't keep listening to his own mind; he was drowning in his fears again, and he had to do something to divert his thoughts from the day's events... And pain diverted thoughts very well. It even made him forget. Only for a few seconds, though, but the peace he experienced in those short moments was worth it for Wille. With those words said, he knew there was no turning back anymore; it will happen over and over again. The scars were a part of him, now. His skin; his mind; his soul; his life. He couldn't get rid of them. He can't just forget everything that lead him to that path. It's not like it was a choice, it's not like he wanted to do it; it just happened. And it gave him the emotional relief he needed. It made him feel what he deserved to feel... Slowly, it became an every day thing.
