WARNING; this chapter contains:
mentions of rape, non-consentual sex, bruises, throwing up, self hatred
STARTER NOTES; this is a heavy chapter, in your place i would definitely consider reading it or not 😭 long story short (spoiler); Simon gets raped, and the whole oneshot is basically about his thoughts / experiences dealing with the pain after (it wasn't Wille who did it!) it has a "happy" ending, but really, this chapter is really sad and mostly focuses on his thoughts, so if anything similar happened to you / or don't think you can handle such chapter rn, please please don't read it! (but please read the little note in the end, it's important!) Your mental health always comes first!
I LOVE YOU
♡
After it happened, Simon didn't move; not an inch. The guy left, he was long gone, and the time was passing. Probably faster than he noticed, - Simon couldn't really make a difference between minutes or hours; it could've been both - but he stayed still, leaning against that fence he was pushed into by force, half-naked down from the waist, trying to process what has just happened. He grew up there, so he knew that Bjärstad wasn't the best or safest town of Sweden, but he wouldn't ever believe that something like this could happen to him, walking his way to home. He was aware it was late but he was out in the streets, amongst houses, under the light of street lamps... He didn't know what to think, he just felt so empty on the inside. Bruises covering his whole body, his skin burning with every move he attempted to make to pull his pants on, but as if he was cursed to turn into stone, he wasn't physically able to. So he just stood there, bare, naked and exposed for everyone to see; for everyone to touch. Even though no one was actually around him, he felt eyes... No, hands on himself; hands of people he didn't know, and didn't want. Hands, that didn't belong to Wille, his prince, his boyfriend... Hands, that were rough and the feeling they left on his body was so unfamiliar, strange, and wrong, even. It made him sick.
And he wanted to cry; he wanted to cry so bad, because he was expected to cry. Victims of assault are supposed to have at least some tears in their eyes, isn't that right? It sounded right. Logical, even; but he couldn't and he didn't. He was so lost, feeling everything and also nothing all at once; he wished he could switch between on and off in his emotions.
He pinched on his own arms, hoping that maybe, he'll find himself in a different reality, where all of tonight's events were just a bad dream; a horrible nightmare, and he'll wake up with Wille curled up on his side, holding him, gentle, safe and secure. But then, the thought of being touched ruined the fairytale his brain created, wiping the sweet imagines away from his mind; reminding him of where he was, and why.
When a stranger begans to walk the same direction as you after getting off of the bus, you don't immediately think about anything suspicios. You try to stay calm when it seems like they follow you, telling yourself that you're just thinking too much into it. And when they eventually call out for you, saying that they aren't around from here and they are lost; you calm down, because you believe that you had the wrong ideas of the stranger's intentions. Feeling guilty for assuming the worst out of people you haven't ever saw before, you even try to help... Isn't that right? Well, Simon did the same, and he has fallen into a trap of faked innocence. He has been played; fooled... Raped. But he couldn't accept that word, he couldn't even think about it; it made the situation serious and real, and he wasn't ready to face with the truth, even though he couldn't really hide from it.
The ache never left his body. Those unpleasant tingles of pain and discomfort were still moving under his skin, waking up the mocking voices inside his head that convinced him that it was all his fault. He shouldn't have stayed out for so long. He shouldn't have lied to his friends just to let him go alone. He should've walked faster. He shouldn't have stopped for the guy. He should've been stronger, and push him off... But he tried; he tried so hard, using every muscle in his body with all his power to get rid of his hands that were holding onto his waist so firmly, but he couldn't. The guy was all over him, pushing him to the fence with his whole weight; Simon was trapped, unable to do anything.
