SINFULLY INLOVE. chenji

35

chenle packed all of his things. he hates the thought of leaving jisung but it's for their good. he kept wiping his cheeks even though the tears have already dried out. he hurriedly packed all of his clothes and essentials as his phone kept on ringing annoyingly. his mother wouldn't stop calling him, sending countless messages, scolding him, and lecturing him. he couldn't think straight, he was not in his right mind. all he could think about is getting away from this stupid situation. 

he wants to free himself. he wants to free himself from his mother, from his problem, from this darkness, and most especially, from jisung. 

the younger had gone mad. he's going feral and out of his mind. he had shown the side he was not supposed to. chenle was afraid. he believed that it was not jisung, but it was a kind of monster that took control of jisung. he was afraid to say so but, no, it was just jisung all the time. it was jisung who hurt him, and nearly killed him and his mother. it was jisung who tried to take him away from his mother, it was jisung who tried to take his freedom away. it was jisung all the time.

he is scared. he felt like he has made the most stupid and careless decision. he suddenly wants to turn back time. the time when he and jisung haven't met yet. only if he knew, he wouldn't have gone out with sungchan that day. he wouldn't have answered that phone call from the 'stranger', he shouldn't have fallen in love with that deep and soft voice. or even much possible, he shouldn't have made eye contact with jisung that specific day inside the campus. he shouldn't have felt bad for jisung. 

but his heart says otherwise. his heart kept on telling him the opposite of what he was thinking. his heart says that he had made the right decisions, but not just at the right time and mindset. his heart is telling him that being with jisung is right. 

his thoughts are interrupted by the loud ringing of his phone. nothing new, it's his mother again. growing tired of it, he picked up the phone annoyingly and fixed himself, cleared his throat, and sniffed softly before answering the call, "what? i told you to stop calling. i'll be there in a while." he said, slightly shouting. he didn't let the woman respond as he hung up the phone. he continued to pack his things. after finishing packing, he quickly zippered it and stood up from the bed, picking up the heavy bag. 

when he went to open the door, jisung showed up. he looked so worn out, his hair is disheveled, his lips and eyes are swollen and red, as well as his nose. chenle noticed that his shirt is slightly wet, probably because of the tears, it is also wrinkled. chenle tried to ignore him and tried to walk past him, but jisung took hold of his shoulder. 

"you're really leaving me?" 

chenle ignored him and continued to walk away. he was struggling going down the stairs and stumbled a little. jisung followed him, soft and light footsteps compared to earlier where you could literally hear the loud and angry footsteps. as they were going down the stairs, the younger kept calling chenle's name. 

"chenle, please talk to me." 

no response. chenle ignored him. 

"hyung, please don't leave me like this." 

silence.

"chenle--" and he got fed up.

"what the fuck do you want to talk about?! haven't i made it clear?!" he yelled, glaring at jisung. eyes burning with tears and anger. "oh, you want me to clarify it? yes, jisung, i am leaving you!" he exclaimed. he doesn't care about what will jisung feel about what he said. what's important is how he expresses what he's feeling right now, anger, which is. he wanted the younger to feel guilty and to pity him for making him experience the things he doesn't deserve. heck, he doesn't even deserve jisung at this point. 

"you're not coming back?" jisung asked blankly. 

chenle sighed. he ignored jisung once again before walking towards the front door. "chenle, please answer me." jisung pleaded, but received a cold shoulder from the older. chenle was about to open the door when jisung stopped him by slamming his hand on the door, making the older flinch. "answer me!"

"no, i'm not coming back!" 


jisung stopped his movement. he nearly stopped breathing and he could feel the building lump in his throat. his eyes are starting to burn as he looked at chenle with sorrow and despair, "if you want to hear my answer, then that's my answer." the older replied coldly.

jisung regretted asking chenle. it would be better if he never asked him. now that he knew that chenle is probably never coming back, it made him feel like throwing up. it would be better if he didn't know, but now he did. he got on in knees and held chenle's hand tightly, "why? oh, god, why?" he chanted under his breath while crying on chenle's hand. he started to break down and shake aggressively while begging chenle to stay. "let's talk about this first, please. don't leave me without clearing everything out." he pleased. 

chenle tried to get away from his grip. he tried pushing jisung away with force, but the younger won't let go. his grip on chenle's wrist is starting to ache. it hurts seeing jisung like this, but he won't let his emotions get over him. he had to be strong for himself. he's not supposed to feel bad for jisung. he didn't even realize that he was starting to tear up and how his fat tears quickly run down his cheeks, "jisung please, let go." 

"chenle-hyung, please." 

"no, jisung. let go."

both of them had stopped moving. they couldn't take it anymore. faint sobs and sniffles are heard. inside the dark and cold house, the voices of their sadness are the only one that was being heard. both of them are shaking uncontrollably, and both of them are crying helplessly as bitter tears rained down from their eyes. both of them were pleading with one word.

"chenle, please don't go."

that's when chenle realized that he had made the right choice. leaving jisung is the right choice. they are just hurting each other in some way. this is not healthy for them. they couldn't keep this situation where both of them are tucked and trying hard to get out until someone gives way, and it's chenle who needs to adjust for them to get out of this trouble. 

everything went flashing inside chenle's mind. he was sort of brainwashed. when jisung begged him to stay, when jisung begged him to live with him, he didn't think twice and agreed to whatever the younger said. he let jisung manipulate him and eat his mind with his sweet, lovely, and pitiful words, that was the thing that convinced him to stay with jisung. without thinking fully, without thinking carefully.

everything happened so fast, in a blink of an eye.

now it's time to realize all of the mistakes chenle has done to himself. he needed to be free. everything started to make sense. he thought he was 'home' when he was with jisung. he thought he was free from the cage that his parents kept him in, but no. he realized that with jisung, he's not entirely free. he was still inside a cage, a different cage. a cage that is filled with love and care. but after all, this is not right.

jisung's reasons are not acceptable. no, not for jisung himself, but for chenle.


jisung tried to stop and hug chenle but the older quickly stood up and wiped his tears and fixed himself. before he could open the door, jisung clung to his arm and cried, "please, don't leave me like this." he begged once again. he wanted to feel chenle's warm embrace before he leave, he wanted to feel his soft and sweet lips of the last time before he completely leave him, he wanted him to say his proper goodbyes. 

"let go of me." chenle replied coldly. 

"chenle--"

"i said let go of me!" he screamed, causing jisung to flinch and sob. he couldn't do anything at this point. he felt like a huge loser. he couldn't do anything but cry and beg, but it won't do anything. it won't stop chenle from leaving. it won't fix anything. what's the point of trying hard when you know the person you're begging to stay doesn't want to stay? what's the point of trying hard when he knows that it won't be worth it? finally, jisung slowly lets go of chenle's arms and lets himself fall on the dusty floor. he lost all of his energy and could barely stand up and move. he just let himself cry and look like a fool.

chenle opened the door and glanced at jisung once again, before completely leaving without saying his goodbyes. 

he left without a goodbye.

now, jisung is alone again.

T B C.


heyyy haha yes i'm still alive, wow
i don't have much to say but i hope you enjoyed this one. 
i don't have much time and as always, i'm busy so... 
I'll probably come back AGAIN after months, so bye!
(the last time i updated was around four months ago so nothing's new, get used to it :D)