CAPTUS || JinKook

32. Mind

"Jimin warned me so many times. He told me that Namjoon was emotionally and mentally abusive. But I kept on denying that. Believing that Namjoon was just overly protective because he loves me.

Once, Namjoon went out early so I asked Jimin to come over. I felt so bored. I decided not to tell Namjoon because oftentimes, he would create a situation that would lead us to fight. I wanted my son to experience something new. Namjoon has a pool at home and I was so excited for my son to try swimming. So we swam, Jimin played with Sunghoon, and I remembered Sunghoon enjoying it so much. He was laughing and just happy.

Dinner came, and Sunghoon babbled the word swim. And I saw how Namjoon's expression changed. He asked Sunghoon if he swam and my son of course said yes. Then he was in the mood that time so he said Uncle Jimin came. Namjoon yelled at me, telling me, once Sunghoon catches a cold, I would regret it. He even accused me of being reckless. What if Sunghoon drowned? I was like, why would I let it happen? He said it because you and Jimin were in your world whenever you and he are together. He yelled and cursed at me. Over dinner. In front of our son. Sunghoon cried. He was so scared.

For three years, I could not buy my clothes because according to him, I was just at home. I didn't need them. I believed that. One time, Jimin bought clothes for me because he said I looked old and haggard. Namjoon threw them. He would tell me that I often made him feel like he was a useless husband. And my friends made him feel like he was the worst person. And it happened a lot of times. I always hear hurtful words but remained silent and would be the one to apologize. Because I thought he was right. He always made sure I felt guilty for making him feel that way. I was losing my self-worth but still, I refused to accept that.

I remembered the first time he physically hurt me, Sunghoon witnessed that and said, his dad was a bad guy. I felt compelled to tell my son that his dad was a good man. I didn't want him to grow up remembering those scenes or the words that Namjoon shouted at me. I don't want my son to grow up thinking his father is a bad person. The following day, I found myself being dragged out of the house.

The thought of Namjoon leaving me crossed my mind so many times and it scared me. I was hounded by the thought of Namjoon taking our son away from me. If I will be the one to leave with our son, he could accuse me of kidnapping if he wanted to. He was powerful. I was jobless. I was nothing. His parents were against me too. What could I do?

Thinking about what I'd been through, I realized that it wasn't love that was making me hang on to that relationship. It was fear. I was so terrified of what he could do. As much as I want to believe that I love him, fear always outweighed that love. I wish I realized that sooner. And it made me feel more miserable that I somehow failed to protect my son because of that fear.

What pains me now is the thought of Hoseok looking me straight in the eye every single time as if he truly cared for me but he wasn't. That was deceitful. I felt like he was trapping me each time and I failed to see that. But those were over and I couldn't do anything about it. What I discovered today made me want to fight back. For the four long years, I endured and wasted being married to Namjoon. I wanted to say I regret marrying him but if I didn't marry him, I wouldn't have Sunghoon. Sunghoon is my love, pride, and joy. So probably, I just have to deal with it and learn.

Namjoon lowered my self-esteem. He always reminded me that he was the only one capable of loving me. Thus, at present, I am always scared about love and being loved. I always thought that I don't deserve to be cared for because I believed that I am nothing without Namjoon. I cannot speak for myself because I'm so scared as to how people would perceive a divorced man like me. He made my life miserable. However, I don't want to live in hate. As much as I want to stay mad, it would only be useless. It wouldn't change a thing.