French Cup: A Neighborhood Story

Chapter 24: -Gyeong-Wan- Like Hot Chocolate on a Cold Winter's Day

My phone had woken me up, buzzing too much at 5AM. It has woken me up throughout the night, too, and I didn't have the heart to bury it in my laundry or lock it in the bathroom under some towels.

I need to talk to you. Call me.

Seo-Yoon.

The same message in various ways. There was no way I could talk to her now, because last night I'd recognized what this feeling was and it was the most wrong to her.

Buzz, buzz.

No, no, no.

I picked up a little cellophaned bunny out of the box. It had a pink ribbon, the same color that I'd tied Kazuya's bag of bunnies with. The same color as his beret. Slowly, I brought it up to my lips. It was fragrant and sweet, a hint of yuzu inside. It was cold, because it had just come out of the fridge. 

But, even cold...

My lips touched the nose, my eyes closed. Imagining his smile, silent pictures. Holding a bunny of his own. Stroking the ears with one finger, his lips moving. Watching him eat the bunny, an unsure look on that cute face.

I knew what this feeling was as soon as I'd left his door last night: I had a crush on him. There was no question. Every time I thought of him, the feeling intensified, made me go crazy. Only thinking about him, wanting him near me. Needing to see him. His smile was what kept me going at work. The idea that I'd see him soon, just one more hour, just twenty minutes, two minutes. Wanting to jump over the gaps of the sidewalk to get there faster.

And he seemed just as happy to see me. I wasn't imagining it. He'd come to my work to give me a chocolate mille feuille. My co-workers had asked me about it afterward, and I'd honestly said I hadn't ordered it. I hadn't asked him to do that. He'd done it out of the kindness of his own heart. No other explanation.

Now, Seo-Yoon was texting me like crazy. As if she knew something was up. As if...she knew I was interested in someone else.

I want to talk to you about something.

I never wanted to talk to her less.

The sweet bread melted in my mouth as I closed my eyes and laid against my pillows. He'd purposefully made our bunnies kiss. His expression of surprise when I'd asked for them to do it again. What was that look? I couldn't afford to put my own emotional guesses behind it. Only he had the answers.

And yet...

Buzz, buzz.

My phone buzzed again just as I was unsure of myself. As if it knew my thoughts. But Seo-Yoon and I had known each other since we were five She knew everything about me, except one thing.

Buzz, buzz.

Seo-Yoon, I'm gay. Seo-Yoon, you're a good person and deserve the world. You deserve a husband who will take care of you and be a good provider. Not someone like me. Our parents always said you were a good catch, but did they ever stop to think of if I was? How shameful for you, to find out your boyfriend of twelve years isn't just holding out for sex after marriage. He's not attracted to you at all, even though you're pretty enough to be an actress.

I couldn't say that to her in a million years. Maybe better for her to never know. It would save her even worse trauma. Maybe it was better if I never went back, and never told anyone.

But, my heart yearned. It wanted to be free. Needed it. Free of any tethers, able to make my own decisions. No baggage, no ties to the earth.

How could I face Kazuya with these secrets? I wanted... If I wanted him, then I couldn't still be dating Seo-Yoon. And yet, I wouldn't be able to break up with Seo-Yoon without giving her a real explanation. I could never tell her the real reason.