French Cup: A Neighborhood Story

Chapter 63: -Gyeong-Wan- Chestnut Daifuku

All day was spent in the world of yesterday. Thinking about him, what he'd said to me. I want to help you. Okay, then talk to me. It wasn't so easy, but he sounded like he understood that. He said he knew how hard it can be. What had he gone through himself? Were we similar? It made me stare into space as I stood at the front desk of the hotel. 

This thought. How similar were we? He seemed so free to me, but as I got more familiar with this world I was learning that maybe it wasn't so easy as he made it seem. That there's bravery involved. All those people at Zombie Walk had been brave, then they'd gotten torn down. That was only one example in the many I'd learned. He was brave, too. Maybe he was the bravest of them all, dressing how he likes and owning a business. Running that business the way he wants to, sometimes refusing service to others who don't treat him and his friends with respect. 

Respect. That word. Demanding respect as a LGBTQ person. It was a new concept to me. When people saw me now, I got respect automatically. But, maybe as a LGBTQ person, you had to demand it. Maybe, it's a constant fight. I couldn't say that didn't scare me. But, that's where the bravery comes in. Maybe, every day he had to be brave. Maybe...I do, too. 

Perhaps that bravery starts with opening up to him. 

It took me all day to conclude this, and it was scary. But, it made me curious. How he might respond. Showing him my world. I'd opened up once before, and it led to all of this. Telling him I'm gay. It was still new to me to fully admit it to myself, but he readily accepted it. So fast. It was impossible to me how fast he'd been more than fine with it. It was like magic, telling the right person. 

But, the other things he'd been saying yesterday. About my family and Seo-Yoon. It gave a me gray feeling to think about. A nothingness there, like it wasn't real. If there was a bridge to the other side, the bridge wasn't there. The other side was impossible, and strangely numb. Like it had disappeared, but surely it must be there. 

Maybe it was a signal that I wasn't ready. Not even a non-desire to deal with it. Was I ignoring it? Hoping it would go away? These were among my thoughts as I helped guests and sent them on their way. All those people, going on with their lives. I was going on with mine, but there was that static place across the bridge, unchanging. 

I wanted to talk to him about it. That I knew. There was a shyness about it, tentative feelings. He'd probably be open to it as he'd said yesterday, but it was complicated. It would take a long time to explain. But, there wasn't any doubt that he'd understand. That was the strange part. I'd never had that sureness before about anybody. No judging, but maybe a gentle conversation. 

As I thought about it more, individual family members entered my mind. Analyzing their reactions. Various cousins, aunts, uncles. With my father it was a brick wall on the island. No way to penetrate that idea. With my mother, there was an immediate nervousness. She was still trying to contact me. I was her only child, her only son. She'd been much more involved with my life than my father. 

The idea of disappointing her...I couldn't go any further in that thought. Had to steer away from it. Talk to a guest, give them a new card key. Address a guest's concern about their room. Check in a family who has a pet. Clean up the desk. Forget. 

The only assurance I had was that maybe Kazuya might be able to help me figure this out. But, there was embarrassment, too. Unsureness. Not at him, but at myself. The unsureness might be fear. 

By the time 3PM came around, my mind was a soup that I was swimming around in. Looking for the rim of the bowl to climb out, but there were too many obstacles in the way. 

I'd arrived at French Cup, my feet taking me there automatically. Wanting to see him. My confusion was absolute upon seeing Hanako and Chidori behind the counter. They'd explained to me that Nikki was under the weather and Kazuya was at the little grocery store helping out. They said there might be a bug going around, because Mr. Nguyen was also not feeling well and therefore his wife was home taking care of him. I bought a pastry called a kouign-amann and stuffed it in my mouth as I left the door, facing into the bitter cold wind back the way I came. It was absolutely delicious.