French Cup: A Neighborhood Story

Chapter 86: -Gyeong-Wan- Game

The honey sweetness of the cookies melted away as the afternoon went on. Their flavor made a hunger grow inside both of us, so we'd ordered food. Two big, filling soups. Comfort foods. Eating too much, because we hadn't eaten. Filling us up, sitting in the right place. He held my hand after, no words. We didn't need words. 

I'd wanted him to feel better. That's all I'd wanted. Finding him crying like that in the lobby. Hiding. He'd said he wanted to hide. Having him in here was all I could do. Providing the safety of the locks. They'd made me feel safe, too. Not even the hotel staff could get in with them in place. Maybe not even an explosion could... But I had to turn away from this thought.

Eventually, he began telling me things. Things that made me so confused inside. Rage. Desperation. Complete grief. 

"It's all my fault," he told me as if numb. Sitting there on the bed, staring at his knees. His stomach was full now, we'd been feeling better. But it was all temporary. 

"No," I told him straight out. No uncertainty. Trying to lead him there. "It's not your fault." 

I had to half be expecting this. He was always so kind. Taking personal responsibility for everybody. Like when he'd blamed himself for Charlotte's theater closing. Saying he'd tried so hard. Grieving over her. 

"How is not my fault? French Cup is mine. I did- I just-" 

He coughed into a fresh sob, his hands over his mouth, his eyes pressed tightly shut. His true grief. Right here. Blaming himself. My arms automatically went around him. Needing to hold him to me. What words did I have to explain to him that it wasn't his fault? That regardless of what he did, it was two boys who... I didn't have any words for it. Regardless of what he did, these two boys would have done it. It didn't matter. 

"It's not your fault."

"But, it is. French Cup is mine. It was my idea. All of it."

"It's not your fault."

Saying it over and over. I'd say it into oblivion. Until we were only a memory. If that's what it took. 

"Gyeong-Wan, I don't know..." Making little kitten crying noises into my shoulder. Showing me this. I never wanted to let him go, never let him out into that terrible world that I hadn't known about. How cruel people can be. How stupid I'd been, for not knowing this. I could have protected him better.

"I do. I know it's not your fault."

"Gyeong-Wan..." So high and vulnerable. Breaking my heart a thousand times in just one word.

My fingers went into his precious hair, holding the back of his head as he buried his face into my sweater, my shoulder. He seemed to like it there. My other hand pressed into his back, keeping him close to me. His beautiful arms tightened around me. He wanted to stay here. 

I didn't care how long it took. I'd convince him I was right. No matter what I had to say, I'd get him to see. There was no reason for him to take on this extra responsibility. There had to be a way to show him it wasn't his fault. 

But, I was lost in how to point fingers. 

"My sons are not at fault. The nerve of all of you. First, you come after them by saying they destroyed your carpet, when clearly there was no damage. I saw it with my own eyes. You've accused them of a lot of activities since we've been here. You also claimed they scratched your aquarium with sticks, did you not? Don't think I forgot. You've tried to bill us each time. My sons were not responsible each time. You have yet to show me a single piece of evidence, and we will not be paying a bill."