Ten years after I began at Hogwarts, Sebastian Sallow is back. And he's Professor Sallow now. He disappeared after the fall of Ranrok and Rookwood, after I lost Professor Fig, and after Ominis and I couldn't keep him from losing himself. But I never...
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"What is this?" I ask. "Why aren't there others?" It seems like a sudden shift in the pattern considering up to that point there'd been at least two letters from him for every one from me.
He says simply, "I couldn't." As if choosing his words carefully, he explains, "I did not have the will."
My confusion must be obvious on my face when he continues to explain. "I came to the monastery seeking more tools to keep myself under control. But Lama-La insisted on my karmic retribution for my actions."
"I don't like the sound of that. Not at all," I say, and Sebastian asks, "do you know much about Buddhism?" I shake my head 'no.'
"So, the most foundational precepts are to abstain from killing, stealing, lying, intoxication, and sexual misconduct. Lama-La could intuit that I had committed all of them...he didn't know it was all fifth year, alone. Obviously, I killed Solomon, goblins, Ashwinders. I stole books. The relic. The scriptorium. I lied constantly – to Anne, to Ominis, to Solomon, to Sharp, to you. I was intoxicated, constantly, with the power of dark magic. Addicted, really."
Sebastian pauses and then says somehow even more candidly, "and in a way I was addicted to you. Intoxicated by how it felt to be around you. And Lama-La said the nature of my thoughts, alone, about you were... well...misconduct, enough."
So much lands on me at once. The fact that I also technically committed each of the five precepts in my own ways, sometimes in identical ways, is not lost on me, and I'm not quite sure how to process it. The fact that Sebastian was apparently made to atone in some way for...my presence? It's a lot. "I don't know what to say, Sebastian...how did he know your thoughts?"
"He had his ways. And there's nothing that needs to be said, really. I'm not proud of who I used to be. You deserved more respect from me, even in thought. But I'm telling you because it's true and it's part of what happened. I was an animal."
"No," I quickly adjust my body such that I straddle my legs on either side of Sebastian. His hands rest on the outside of my thighs so naturally. I put my hands on either side of his face and look intently at him to say, "you were not an animal, Bash. We were kids, for god's sake. With too much responsibility."
Why can't anyone else see that?
To try to bolster him further I share, "not to mention I felt the same way around you. Didn't you know?"
Sebastian seems insistent on disbelief. "I don't want to be crude but I don't think you'd be flattered to know what my fifteen-year-old degenerate mind would dream about doing with you, April."
"Wouldn't I?" I jest and bounce my eyebrows up and down. He rolls his eyes, and I say with a poke, "Well I'm telling you, Sir Bastian, if thoughts, alone, qualify as 'sexual misconduct' I'd be locked up in a federal prison for life." He smiles in a way that makes me think he still doesn't believe me but I kiss him deeply, anyway and feel satisfied by the slight stirring I feel beneath me in his lap. But I decide to be responsible and stick to the subject at hand, saying "It just makes me sad for each of us back then, that we didn't talk about it. We didn't talk about much of anything beyond our quests. Might have helped us both feel less isolated."
