Ten years after I began at Hogwarts, Sebastian Sallow is back. And he's Professor Sallow now. He disappeared after the fall of Ranrok and Rookwood, after I lost Professor Fig, and after Ominis and I couldn't keep him from losing himself. But I never...
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Her simple request almost buckles my knees out from under me. Stay.
And hearing her call me that silly name again that I stopped earning long ago makes me feel like a forgotten shred of my identity has finally broken free from the tumult of some dark, eternal rip tide and run aground on a sunny shore.
::She thinks you're repulsed by her, you git.::
I didn't mean to be rude, but I can't help it. No matter how badly I want to feel her fingers on me, how I ache to feel more of the instantaneous charge of her cool touch, I can't shake what I've tried to convince myself of for the past nine years – that she's better off without me, that she's moved on, that I don't deserve her or any place in her life, that something about she and I together is disastrous, that it would be somehow irreversible, and that in the point-zero-zero-one chance she might even consider...well, that she would deserve to know everything first, before we–
::Before you what, exactly, mate? What makes you think she'd even want you?::
But Merlin above, here she is looking up at me with a face I wish I could hold in my hands and kiss and kiss and kiss until sunrise. With tears in her eyes. I don't know what I was expecting. It's completely understandable she would cry. Hell, I shed a few earlier today. Everything always feels like so much with her. Every normal emotion gets amplified just by being around her.
Still, her tears rip at me and start to cause a panic. Somehow she senses it. Maybe she can see me hyper-focus. The water welling, sparkling in the corners. I start to say again, "I'm sorry–"
"--tears aren't the pain, Sebastian, they're the antidote. It's alright."
Her tone is firm, but kind. And I know she's right. The ease of her wisdom sends my mind racing.
What do I do? What do I do?
::Leave, you piece of shit.::
My heart is racing.
::Or fuck her and get it over with.::
–Shut UP
I know. I'll explain. Honesty. That seemed to go over well before.
::Before you weren't acting like a bloody git.::
"I didn't mean to—What I mean is—" I don't know how to finish that sentence. And she's still looking up at me so kindly. So accommodating. Fuck.
"I'll just let you—" Shit I don't know how to finish that, either.
::Woooo! You're spiraling, mate! For all to see!! Well fucking done!!::
Shit. Fuck. Shit.
I can feel my heart beating faster, more shallowly. All previous efforts to center my self out the window and I can't seem to get my breath under me. April looks at me with curiosity. Restraint.
