Hold Me Down || Clexa Re-Write

Pt.3: Of Course

((At the top of the tower))

Clarke can feel her pulse in her throat as she approaches Lexa's door.  The guards are gone, and it's eerily quiet until she hears a pained grunt, then the loud crash of furniture knocking over.  As she cautiously pushes through the doors, Lexa's head whips around and freezes in shock. Her table is flipped on its side, candles and papers strewn across the floor.  The evening light illuminates her green eyes, wet and puffy, glistening trails leading down both cheeks rolling off her jawline. 

"Wh-what are you...I thought you left." Lexa pants, still catching her breath.

Clarke walks the rest of the way into the room, right up close to lift her hands to the commander's face, wrapping her fingers around the top of her neck. She felt flutters in her chest to have been so direct and moved into Lexa's personal space so quickly but she needed to feel the brunette's skin so badly she couldn't help herself. There were those green eyes glossy and wet, a forest of uncertainty searching for comfort and looking so impossibly sad Clarke felt helpless and broken to see such a look on someone as powerful as the Lexa.

"I didn't get to say goodbye" She says softly, her thumbs wipe the wet streaks from Lexa's cheeks. She felt Lexa lean into the touch, blinking slow and hard, trying to restrain more from falling. The last time they were this close she had a knife to Lexa's throat instead, it was the first time she realized just how strong her feelings were, that she forgave Lexa for the decisions she knew she hadn't wanted to make. Those piercing green eyes had been just as sad, and sorry, and full of regret ready to accept death, and the blonde knew then that her feelings were not going away.

All the words that had built up in her head during the elevator ride blurred into a haze. None of them felt right, nothing about this felt right. Only three words stuck in her throat, clawing to be released. But those words scared her just as much in her mind as they would to cross her lips. No, it wasn't fair. Not like this.

"I'm so sorry" Clarke breathed like she had been drowning and just come up for air.

Lexa had never felt so powerless. She could command anyone in all the surrounding territories, was never told no, and summoned those she wanted or sent away as she pleased just by raising her hand. But this was out of her control and her organs practically squirmed inside of her struggling to accept it.

"Don't be, you have to go back, they're your people." Lexa says, slipping her hands around Clarke's waist to gently pull their hips together. "That's why I..." She swallows, nervous to let her thoughts escape. The most dangerous thing she could say lingered on the edge of her lips, begging to be released. The words Lexa was most afraid of because she didn't know what would be worse - if Clarke didn't feel the same, or if she did because either way she was about to say goodbye, not knowing when or if she would actually get to see her again.

"That's why I love you." Her breath stops in her chest as the words come out involuntarily and the two stand frozen, holding each other's gaze, seeing all at once everything they've ever wanted, knowing it's the one thing they can't have.

Lexa's stomach fills with butterflies as she realizes what she said out loud. She needed Clarke in a way she had never needed anything before. Not even Costia had ever had a grip over her like this. Like as soon as Clarke turned to walk out she would take all the warmth with her. Like nothing would ever feel good again if she couldn't share it with her. Like her world might as well stop turning if she's not in it.

"Lex," Clarke sighs, squeezing her hands ever so slightly, looking back and forth between the glossy jade eyes inches away from her. As soon as her lips part to go on, Lexa presses her mouth against Clarke's in gentle desperation.  She's afraid to hear Clarke say the words back to her. She knows if she does, her world as she knows it will end.