Blast From The Past

Questioning My Hastiness

Suddenly I awake to the feeling of needing to be sick and I have to rush to the bathroom. I heave but nothing. Great, just feeling nauseous then. All I want is to get today over and done with. Throughout last night, I tossed and turned. Glancing at my reflection in the mirror, there's dark shadows surrounding my eyes.

A small part of me wants to cancel my meet up with Donnie but despite my own struggles, it has to happen. Joey deserves better than this and that's why I'm doing it. Joey taps on the door and opens it before walking to stand behind me, he wraps his arms around my waist. I lean back into him. "Are you feeling sick, baby?" I grumble.. I try to soothe myself by looking into his beautiful sky blue eyes. "I'll be okay. You'll be just a phone call away, won't you?" My anxiety rises. "Yes. I won't be far, and I'll be with you within minutes if you need me." He lightly leaves a trail of feather like kisses along my shoulder.
I quickly dress myself and apply my makeup, making sure to add extra concealer around my eye area to hide the dark shadows. Picking up my hair brush, I tidy up my hair. Feeling fairly satisfied with how I look, I go to pick up the copies from Edie's memory box and place them in a large bubble wrapped pouch envelope.
We're stuck in the busy Boston traffic and I can feel myself trembling with nerves and anticipation.

Joey takes hold of my hand, giving a gentle squeeze and when traffic begins to move, I place my hand on his thigh as he puts his hand back on the steering wheel.
"Here we are, babe. I'll just park up just over there." I look to where he's pointing with his face and finger. A few minutes later and we're all parked up outside the cafe where I'm meeting Donnie. "I'll be in there, okay. Remember, I love you and good luck. Call me when you need me." I feel his embrace and wish I could stay in his arms instead. "I love you Joseph. Please don't go.." to which he jokingly sings "please don't go girl...!!" I giggle. "That's it baby, you laugh. You'll be fine. This is just a walk in the park compared to what you've been through, okay?!" He softly kisses me and squeezes me for the last time before I make my way towards my ex.

I walk to the doors, stop, turn round to see Joe and he waves at me. Inside I walk, I stop to look around to see if I can see Donnie anywhere but there's no sign of him. I decide to order myself a drink. They tell me to find a seat and they'll bring my drink over to me when it's ready. I spot an empty table in the far corner that is by one of the many windows.
When I hear the door bell chiming, I look over towards the door and in comes Donnie. As usual, he's wearing a hat and glasses. He doesn't see me at first and heads straight to the counter. I observe as the women around him are fawning over him just like they did all those years ago. Eventually he spots me and struts towards me here in the corner.

"Hi Katee, how are you doing?" He asks as he greets me. "I'm okay, you?" I try my hardest to mask my anxiety. The baristas bring our drinks over to us. Nervously, I fidget with the envelope that I'm holding on my lap. We sit in silence. My thoughts muddle through my mind but I'm thankful when he speaks first. "So here we are, I never thought I'd be seeing you again. Still can't believe you are sitting across from me." I lock eyes with him and I see the sincerity there but I guess I can relate as I feel the same. "Life has a funny way of doing things, huh." Trying to settle the nerves.
"Katee, why didn't you tell me sooner about the baby?" I knew he would ask me this but still, wasn't expecting it just yet. "I didn't think you'd care when you made me take the money and I was a mess after she was stillborn. The last thing I needed was to look for you. I shut you out of mind and sight. I'm sorry, Donnie." I lower my head and grip tightly onto the envelope. "It should be me that is sorry. I guess I deserved the radio silence after how I treated you." I take a sip of my drink. "Still, I should have found a way to let you know." I murmur. He asks me what caused her to be the way she was. "She was tiny. I was bleeding and I was in a lot of pain. They said her heart had stopped. I had to give birth... knowing that she was stillborn." I lower my head and cover my face with my hands, as I sob. I feel his thumb wiping a tear. "You shouldn't have had to go through that by yourself, damn, I'm so sorry, sweetheart." I force myself to look up and we lock eyes with one another. "Thankfully, I had my best friend, Nikki. She never asked any questions, never judged me and always there for me." I smile, at the thought of how much I love and appreciate Nikki. "Did she know that I was the baby's father?" I shake my head. "No one knew. No one knew I was pregnant. I worked until I was physically showing but then it was just after I stopped dancing when I lost her." He sighs. I can't read his expression. It's now that I lift up the envelope and hand it over to Donnie. "What's this?" I tell him it's his to keep and do whatever he chooses to do with it. I watch as he carefully empties it. "I've copied everything from my memory keepsake box that I put together from during the pregnancy and her birthday date. It's only right that you have it too as you are her father, we'll always be her parents as it doesn't matter that she's not here physically but in our hearts and minds. "Thank you, Kacee. More than you'll ever know." We exchange small smiles.
"Why did you call her Edie?" He asks as he's staring at the photo of her. "I remember  you telling me that one of your middle names was Edward. I wanted something to represent you in her even though you weren't going to be in her life and I thought Edie was the perfect name for her. "Really pretty name, thank you for sharing that with me." I gently touch the tiny hat that Edie wore when she was born for comfort. "What was the real reason why you didn't want to be involved?" I hear his taking a deep breath. "You remember that I was going through a messy divorce with Kim, which included a custody battle. A part of me didn't want you to get caught up in the web. I wasn't the best husband to her and she was trying to pin anything and everything down on me so I didn't want to give her more ammunition. Then I panicked as well. I couldn't be what you nor Edie wanted or deserved. I was a mess. I was a complete douche." I listen carefully and try to understand the predicament he was in back then. Maybe I was hasty in how I felt towards him and a part of me feels guilty for harbouring all these negative emotions about him. I just have one question for him though.