One-shot Stories

Memoir

Regrets

To be alive in this celestial planet called Earth, and to be breathing in its oxygen emitted by the one causes the photosynthesis and chlorophyll called plants, and to be stepping on the land that's only 30% of the said planet, one of the many things that I'm scared of are regrets. They are my nightmares. They are the one that's haunting me. I am not scared with those spirits roaming around with a white dress or a creepy appearance. Heck, I could even dance with them if they want to. I am not scared with cockroaches, I can even play with them. I am not scared of heights, I can climb up the tallest tower and free dive from it. I'm not scared of death. It is only regret and what ifs that I keeps on haunting me. Like a zombie, I'd want to run away from it. Like a commitment, I'm scared of it. To die without having to achieve any of my goals, that is. I really, really, really, hate what ifs. And I really hate the fact that I, inevitably, could make mistakes. How I hope I could just be perfect and not make mistakes. In that way, I wouldn't have to regret my wrong doings, in thinking the many possibilities if I did the other way. I don't know. To die having a lot of regrets is a total massacre for me. And to life a life full of regrets is suffering for me. I wonder if, does every creatures in this planets have regrets? Does the wild waves regrets crashing on the shore? Does the prey regrets on hunting it's food? Does the sun regrets giving too much heat causing us to feel like being in the oven? Does the people did us wrong have regrets, too? I really wonder if they did have.

Hardest challenge in life that I've faced was having to regret one thing I know I could never do something about. That was when our family faced a nightmare all of us didn't saw coming. My uncle got robbed and shot. His right or left leg, I'm not sure because it's been years, had been shot with a gun. It was midnight, I was sleeping with my aunt when there's a harsh knock on the door. Sleepy, I scratched my eyes and not interested of what or who it was. It was only my aunt who decided to went downstairs to see what it is. And to our horror, it is a bad news. An old man ran to our house to deliver the news that my uncle had been shot and he's been carried to the hospital. The place where he's been shot was full of his blood. At first, my brain couldn't register it so I went back to sleep. But second later when I realized what I've heard, my eyes widened and I almost jumped the fifth level of the stairs! Fast forward, we've done a family meeting. On who was the culprit and who's the one to be blame. My uncle has to stay in the hospital because he needed to be operated. The bullet of the gun needed to be removed from his leg. His hospital bill skyrocketed that we don't know what to do. We're so poor. My grandfather who was the one raising me doesn't have a job and just selling his fishes for us to eat. We can't afford that. And that's when our financial problem worsen. I am living with my grandfather because I liked it more that living with my mother. Besides, I got my grandpa. He's the best. I love him so much. He was the one who stood as my father because my useless father didn't want me and run away from me. My grandfather is the best of all. He can do everything he can just so he could give me what I need. So I chose to live with him together with my two uncle instead of my mother. Now, that my uncle has been shot, my aunt asked for the mayors, the counselors, or anyone who can help us financially. Luckily, there were some with big hearts that lend us money. We've got to take my uncle out of the hospital being operated and in a stable condition. He has to stay there for months so when he came back, he's so thin. And I needed to take care of him. But the younger me, the grade eight me refuse the ability to can. I decided to move to my mother's house. I didn't want to alright, but my laziness won. I don't want to take care of my bed ridden uncle that time because I was too young and stubborn. So when I was about to leave my grandpa, as I ride on the tricycle, I waved my Amang goodbye. My heart hurt as I saw his eyes. I can see pain and sadness. I can see his will to stop me but didn't. Instead, he smiled sadly and a tear fell. That alone broke my heart. As I write this, I can't help but cry. Leaving him was my biggest regret. Because that was the last time I will ever see him. When I came back, he's gone. All I could see is his lifeless body, lying on his favorite bed, beside him was his radio. I felt like my heatt had been stabbed million times. I hugged my Lolo. I regret leaving him that day. I fully regret walking away. I fully regret it. I'm his favorite grandchild. Yet I left him for my shallow reason. Until now, I couldn't forgive myself.

To hope is to live. And to love is to be cherished. And for me, to regret is to suffer. I am running away from that nightmare until now. I regret it until now. My heart ached until now. What if's crashed through me like a wild waves. It haunted me in my dreams. It pained me. I could only hope that my grandfather was in a safe place and that, he can forgive me. I wish he could forgive his selfish grandchild. I wish he's happy. I want so bad to hug him and say I'm sorry. But I know I can't do it now. I can only regret. It may have been a nightmare to me, but it's also reminding me of my grandpa. There are days I wish I could see and touch him. There are days where I want to be him. Life is so dull without him. He's the one I'm living my dreams for. To regret, for me, is to dream. To dream of what could've been. To dream of the possibilities. To dream of the uncertainties. Facing a lifetime with this kind of regrets kills me. It's like being chased by a mad lion wanting to devour me. Despite of that, I'm still grateful. Because this regret will always remind me of how my grandfather loves me so much. Of how he takes care of me as his favorite grandchild. This regret of mind reminds me that, once in my lifetime, there's my Amang that made me feel complete and loved. As I look up at the sky, I smiled and a tear fell. And I whispered how much I miss him.