Kpop Oneshots Part TWO

7: Stray Kids: Chan

As I stare out into the night, my fan hits me from the back. Cold air seeps in from my open window. My upper body is chilled to the touch, but I can't feel it.

There's a hole of loss in my chest keeping me up. A hole of longing. It was keeping me up tonight rather than letting me sleep for once.

I really miss my family. Anxiety whispers to me through the wind. What if something happens to them and I can't be there? What if Hannah or Lucas get into an accident? What if one of my parents has to go to the hospital? They're all getting older. As much as I would like to be, I can't really be their protection anymore.

I breathe out, taking a shuddering breath back in. Too deep. I'm too deep in my head. I need a distraction or else I'm going to be stuck here. I can't do it tonight. I just can't.

I get out of bed, throwing on a sweatshirt and pants. I grab my bag, opening my door quietly. Tiptoeing through the dorm, I slip on my shoes.

"Chan?"

I startle, looking back to find Jisung in his loose shirt and some shorts. He's rubbing his eyes as if I had just woken him.

"Hey, what's up? Did I wake you?"

"No, I was just getting some water. Where are you going? It's two in the morning."

Like a deer caught in headlights, I think about lying. What would that do for me? They're used to me leaving at ungodly hours or coming home at them anyway.

"I'm going to do some work. I couldn't sleep."

"Chan, come on. It's too late for this. You can go later."

"It's fine, Sung. I won't be long."

"Chan."

He has a stern voice. He can be serious when he wants to be. He's had to learn that because of me.

"Jisung, it's fine."

"Come lay with me. You're not going out right now. If you try, I'm getting Changbin."

"Really? Acting like my parent?"

"Well you need someone to be if yours are in a different country."

The thoughts are back. I huff, angry at him for bringing them up. He doesn't know. I'm upset anyway.

I don't respond to him. I just walk out.

The door opens behind me as I get into the elevator. "Chan!" He whispers yells at me. The machine shuts, and I'm left alone again.

Once I make it outside, I take a deep breath of air. My heart is pounding with anxiety. I clench my fists, shaking my head. It's fine.

My phone rings in my pocket. It's Changbin.

Dammit, Jisung.

I ignore the calls and texts. Instead, I sprint to the company. Only work can distract me. I need it badly. I need the distraction. I feel like I'll die if these thoughts continue tonight.

It's only a matter of minutes until I'm in the studio. The one place where I can be alone. Immediately, I get on my laptop and open some tracks. There are a lot unfinished.

Yet I listen over and over. My fingers never move from that spot on my mouse. I'm working like I intended. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions.

Tears spring to my eyes, but I harshly wipe them away. Stop fucking crying. There's no use in crying. It does nothing for me.

My heart is still beating rapidly in my chest. It hasn't gone away since I woke up.

I force my mouse to different tracks. I listen to each one of them, trying hard to think of something. Anything.

Then a track plays. Soft and slow. Meaningful with no lyrics attached. Sad and weak.

The tears bubble over. I'm left sobbing, but the track plays on repeat. I put my head in my arms on the desk, bawling away.

I'm so fucking sad. I can't take it. I want to go home. I miss my family. I miss my dog. I miss my home. I miss the scent. I miss the food. I miss the voices. I miss the people.

I am home, but why does it never feel like it? Not in moments like these. I want to go home. I feel like a child exclaiming that. I want to go home.

"...Channie?"

"Go away," I sniffle, not having heard the door open.

"Channie baby, talk to us. What's wrong?"

I shake my head, crying harder. My chest is tightening. My fingers grasp my arm, grabbing tightly onto the fabric.

"Hey, hey. Deep breaths. You're okay, hyung. Please, tell us what's wrong."

Changbin turns my chair, forcing my arms to fall into my lap. I keep my head down, still worked up. He gets onto his knees, trying to get a look at me. Once he does, once I see his face, a form of relief comes over me. Jisung sets his hand on my shoulder. Another bang of relief.

"I-I miss Australia. I miss my f-family."

Both of their expressions form into one of pity. They can only sympathize. Their families are here. They don't have this issue.

"You should call them later. I'm sure they'd love to hear from you. I know it's not much. I wish we could take you home. Both you and Felix because I know he feels the same. You'll go back home soon, okay? You will. If I have to yell at the company to let you, I will."

I nod, sniffling again. Jisung wipes my tears away. "I'm sorry for whatever I said earlier. I noticed it made you upset."

"It's okay. I was just being sensitive."

"Let's go home, yeah? I bet you're really tired. You can sleep with one of us tonight, okay?"

"Okay."

And that, I did. Changbin held me all night, reassuring me that I'd go home soon. He talked to me until I fell asleep. Even when I woke up, he hadn't loosened his grip.

These boys are my home. And that's okay. It's okay to have two different homes. It feels nice to know I have one anywhere I go with them.

_______________

Today is my sister's birthday. She would have been 22. Those who don't know, she passed away in November. It's been very hard to breathe and live without her. I want to honor this chapter to her.

Thank you to those who have been patient with me. I really, really appreciate it. I love you.
❤️

-CarmenKB