Dirty Talk (l.s.)

Part 10

So, Harry was pissed. Mostly at himself for being who he was and once again desperately trying to be something he's not.

"Stupid!" he hissed at his own reflection in the mirror. He was wearing a gray suit with a light pink shirt underneath. He looked good. But who could care? If you put a bowtie to a human disaster it won't change a thing. And he was a walking disappointment with a pretty face and no willpower.

He went over to his nightstand putting one ring at a time to his fingers slowly and methodically. It relaxed him a bit but the taste in his mouth was still bitter. He thought of Louis as about his possible forever. It was stupid, as it turns out, but Harry was a romantic. He taught himself not to care about love, to live in the moment and never get attached. To get by.

But then Louis came with his blue eyes that were so observant and careful, with that smile of his that made those eyes crinkle in the best possible way. And he didn't give Harry a moment of doubt, a smallest expression of regret. He simply watched him like Harry was something worth caring about and actually took care of him. In small ways that made Harry reminiscent the day that he had before going to sleep.

It was in the way Louis knew his coffee order without asking because he simply took notice. It was in the way Louis asked him about his day even after Harry told him the general stuff. 'But was it good?' 'Did you enjoy Ed's friends?' 'Did Gemma get those toys you ordered for Ron?' And his ability to be protective without getting on Harry's nerves.

He knew that Louis was anticipating Harry's coming back to work. He wasn't that stupid in the end. And still Louis wasn't intrusive, never made Harry feel pressured to change anything. But then he was stupid enough to think Louis generally cared. For crying out loud they met two months ago and went out for a bit more than two weeks. How could he assume that Louis was serious about it?

And it's not like Harry didn't try to protect himself. He was careful, keeping distance at all times. They always hung out at Louis' apartment for example and Harry tried to pay for himself any opportunity he got. But then Louis would smile at him so genuine and sweet. They must teach it at some businessman classes because Harry was good at reading people and he still fell for it like a school boy. It was this morning when he let himself get loose a little with his thoughts.

Gemma wasn't ready to have a kid, she told him that one early morning on a hysteria call because she took the test and it was positive. So while his sister was pissing on another test he tried to tune out the sound and calm her down with his rumbling. He forgot about his own words and was surprised to find out that she didn't.

'You were right, H,' she told him this morning on the phone. 'It was hard to overlook the fear and accept it as an opportunity to be happy. And I'm the happiest sleep deprived person that've ever existed.'

It clicked for him then that he was still obsessed with his fear and it was standing between him and his opportunity to finally be happy. That's when he decided to take his own advice. Thinking about it now, he was wrong to compare his situation with his sister's. She was happily married and successful in her career, she was ready in every aspect except mentally. He was a mess. Happiness would never pursue him. He didn't deserve it yet.

He shook his head to get a grip on himself. He had the evening to get through.

"You ready?" Niall's voice came through the apartment.

"A minute!" Harry called back.

He went to the bathroom to take his vitamins and spray some cologne. The beauty is an everyday work. It was a really small bathroom too. He used to share this apartment with Niall before he moved in with Ethan six months ago. These were good times. They played music together, wrote almost every night, maybe it has something to do with all the weed. He misses his friend all the time but mostly on the rent payment days.