Cartel Princess // Marcus Arguello

Chapter 34

There truly are days when all I can think about is what my life was like before Vegas. Before my life took the absolute worse turn. Before my job felt like an actual job. Before the paranoia. Before the anger. Before it felt like everyone was against me. Before the overwhelming crushing feeling of loneliness.

Sometimes I just sit and remember. It happens most when I'm alone but a lot when I'm in a crowd of people I don't wanna be around. When I'm in class and I don't want to be there I can stare at my paper and remember what it was like when Chico sat behind me or next to me and bugged for answers. When I'm in the cafeteria listening to the bullshit  drama, I can hear my brother making fun of everyone who's so invested in it. His laugh echos through my mind, flash's of his smile happen with it as he teases everyone on their need for extra drama.  Sometimes I can feel his big hands as they slightly push me as he whispers jokes to me.

When it's late and dark I'll lay in bed and think back to when me and my brothers were small, living in our new big house, when we had just started coming up; we all had our own rooms but sleeping in bed with Mami while pá worked was better. Even when Andres had his feet in Sergio's back and Chico had his arm across my neck, it was still better then sleeping in our new big beds. Sometimes I can hear our sibling bickering over dinner while my mom tried to get it to stop, my dad amused by us.

Lately I remember how Marcus would  lay next to me, playing with my hair as we sat in silence. As I lay in the dark I can still hear his flirty jokes, his sweet nothings. I can still feel his hands holding mine some days. The days I just can't seem to grasp reality are the days my memories of Marcus are the most prominent. The days I just can't seem to stay focused are the days I remember how much his lips taste like cigarettes, how rough his hands are, how soft his hair is, how gorgeous his eyes are. These are the days I remember how tight he'd hold my hand, how close he'd keep me, how safe I felt.

The days when I miss my life before Vegas are also the days I sit in the back of class and imagine how easy it would be to pull a gun out and blow Maria's brains on to the nearby window. I sit and think how easy it truly could be to make her disappear and no one but me would know what happened; these thoughts are what keep me up most of the time, like recently.

I had spent the last week since lockdown planning out a million and one ways to get rid of Maria for good. Ways to hurt her more then she'd hurt me. This particular night I managed to keep myself up the whole night. So when six rolled around I got up and ready for the day. By the time I had showered and got dressed it was still early so I went up to the roof for a morning smoke. For about thirty minutes I sat alone as I smoked, watching the city wake up, for those thirty minutes my mind was quiet.

I didn't hear the memories. There was no thoughts on how to get away with murder. I wasn't angry or sad. There was no thoughts, just the calm cold San Francisco morning air as I smoked. After a while I heard a few people shuffle their way onto the roof, I didn't bother turning to see who it was, I just wanted another thirty minutes with a quiet mind. But of course, I'm Ona so, fuck what I wanted right?

"You look terrible" I heard someone say from next to me. I looked over and it was Marcus, looking at me as he leaned against the stone wall. I looked back to my city before answering "that's bold coming from you" I heard a little chuckle before we fell back into a silence. "Ona I need to talk to you" he said shifting closer "nice to know but I don't want to talk to you" I said as I pushed myself off the wall and headed for the door "Ona I'm serious we need to talk" he said as he reached for my arm.

Just as he went for it I pulled away "why? Why is it you always seem to find your way back to me just when I'm doing ok? Why do we constantly have to 'talk'. Why can't you just let me move on?" He stuttered for a second "because I care about you" now I let out a chuckle "maybe you don't think so but I do. And your in danger so I need to talk to you" I shrugged "we go to a school for assassins and I'm the last living child of the biggest drug lord, when am I not in danger?" I turned around once again and went for the door that lead back downstairs.