love me; parmiga [major editing]

|23| Happy Fudging Birthday-Part 2

|23| Happy Fudging Birthday- Part 2

August 18, 2012

When I came to, all I could hear was the beeping of the machines around me. It reeked of alcohol, the kind that you put on cuts at home. My mouth was extremely dry, and tasted funny. I tried to move my fingers, but even trying to was hard. It made me want to cry. As I lay stiff, I could feel silk blankets pressing up against my skin. I must be in a bed, or something similar to that. Once I finally opened my eyes, I could see where I was. A hospital.

I couldn't really remember what happened. I remember hitting my head on something hard, though. The ground, maybe? I tried to sit up, but my head was throbbing. I dropped back onto the bed. Frustrated, I fell back asleep.

"Oh, Jeanie. Hush!" I requested to my stubborn daughter.

"Mommy, I am bored!" she cried as she flung her arms around my neck.

"Okay, okay. I'll take you outside, but you have to behave. Got it?" I bargained. She replied by repeatedly nodding her little head. Her light brown curls bobbed as she did so. "Evan, we'll be outside. You three meet us when it's over, okay?" He nodded, so I took my youngest child, and only daughter, in my arms, and carried her outside, into the chilly winter air.

"Mommy?" Jeanie asked once we were standing outside the church. We only went to church on important holidays like Easter and Christmas, and maybe a few times during the year.

"Yes, sweetie?" I responded. Her big, brown eyes were wide with curiosity.

"Am I having a baby sissy or bubby?" She placed her tiny hands on my huge, pregnant belly.

"Well, Jeanie. I'm not supposed to tell you this until dinner later, but," I leaned in close, "You're having a sissy." Jeanie's eyes went wide, and she jumped up. She clapped her hands, and hopped in circles.

"Sissy! Sissy! Yay! Yay!" she squealed. "We can play wif my dollies!"

"Now, Jeanie Amaya Peters, you better not tell Garrett or Ben! I will be so mad!" I sternly said, tickling her. The church bells rung out, signaling the end of the Christmas ceremony. We were going to Evan's sisters house for dinner, to announce the gender of our fourth child.

Evan and our oldest children, identical twins Garrett and Ben, came out of the church, dressed in fancy black suits. The twins looked so much like Evan it amazes me. The same face and eye shape, the same hair color, the same nose, and even the same smile.

"Ready for dinner?" Evan grinned, wrapping an arm around me. Everything went black, though, as someone started calling my name.

"Taissa, please, wake up." I slowly opened my opens, awakening from my dream. I wish it was reality.

"Wha.. what? Where am I?" I asked, sitting up. My head ached, but I fought through it. Evan was sitting on a white chair to the left of the bed. His eyes were surrounded by dark circles, and they were red and puffy.

"You're at the hospital, Taissa. You fainted." he explained. He was crying. But, I don't know why.

Looking at his face, I remember what had happened. He cheated on me. That bastard actually fucking cheated on me. I love him, so much. I thought he loved me, too. But, I guess he doesn't. I looked away from him as cool tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Get the fuck out." I hissed. I refuse to look at him.

"I'll respect your wishes, Tai. But, please, let me explain before I do."

"Nothing you say or do will change my mind," I choked. "But continue. I want to hear this."

"So, last night. When you passed out, blood.. was coming out of your.. you know.. lady parts. You, um, had a miscarriage." Evan said, his voice breaking.

"What?" I sobbed. I had miscarriage? But, that means I was pregnant. How could that be? I was taking birth control pills. I couldn't have been pregnant. "How far along?"

"About 5 weeks, very early on." Evan buried his head in his hands. I could hear his muffled sobs. "And, wow, I'm just going to be blunt about this; Emma's pregnant, too. The night where we first broke up, I slept with her. At the motel. I was with her because she's pregnant with my child, Taissa. I have to be with her, now. I'm so so sorry." No, no, no!

"Get the fuck out, now!" I screamed. "I can't deal with this anymore! Get out! Go away!"

"I'm only leaving because you want me to," he whispered, rushing out of my hospital room, and slamming the door behind him. Once he was gone, I broke down. I let the tears fall.

I was pregnant with Evan's child. I would've been a mother to a vivacious baby girl, or an energetic baby boy, in less than 9 months. We could have been a family. Bought a big house in the suburbs. Evan could have been a doctor, and I could run my own art studio. I know now that that's the kind of life I want. I want a family.

But, now, it's all ruined. The only person I want a family with is Evan. He already has one. With Emma. When would he have told me about her if I hadn't walked in that day? Would he have just been living a double life, or something?

He wouldn't have told me. Evan would've just abandoned me. I see that now. He wanted to keep his perfect little family together, and would do anything to do so.

I'm leaving St. Louis, once I get checked out of this damn hospital. I'm going to pack my bags, get into my truck, and drive. Put a thousand miles between me and this city. I'm never looking back, no matter how much I want to. I'll let Evan have his dream, even if it means shattering my broken heart into a million fudging pieces. I'm better off alone anyways.