Nyx | Carpe Noctem ✓

Chapter 67: Unease and Loss

∙  Madis POV  ∙

I giggled loudly when Nyx's lips once again found their place on my rib cage and he nibbles softly on my skin, his big hand holding both of mine above my head. He had me trapped, his other hand pressing down on my hip, him lying half on top of me. "Can you believe it?" Nyx chuckled and kissed the skin next to my belly. "That by tomorrow evening we are High Lord and Lady of this Court?" All the happiness and lightness of the morning vanished within an instant and an uneasy feeling settled into my gut. I swallowed thickly, my blood cooling. Nyx noticed my reaction and stopped kissing my skin. He sat up a little, placed his hand next to me on the bed and looked at me. His eyes trailed over my features, he was assessing me, trying to read my expression.

You are having doubts? I shook my head, but felt how my throat constricted. I am just nervous, you know?

Nyx slowly inclined his head. "Don't you think we can handle it?" I shimmed upwards on the bed and also sat up, leaning against the backrest, looking at Nyx and bringing my hand up to place it on his face. "That's not it. I think we can, I think you can. I am so young and I am just feeling a little nervous about the responsibility."

Nyx leaned into my touch, kissed my palm and then looked at me again. "Hey! Usually I am the pessimistic one when it comes to the whole High Lord and Lady business." He smiled a little, but the smile did not reach his eyes. I knew he was nervous as well, and that lately a lot of thoughts he did not speak had been on his mind, as well as doubts and nervousness.

I let my thumb brush over his cheek, over the light stubble grazing his jaw. His hair was open, a little unruly, the glow in his eyes a little dimmed. "How are you dealing with the situation with your parents?"

I hadn't asked Nyx that question a lot in the past weeks, when I did he had always blocked up and said he did not want to talk about it.

Nyx closed his eyes for a moment, let his head drop a little and I watched his throat work on a swallow. "It is breaking me to see my father like that," Nyx admitted and a small tears slipped out of the corner of his eye. I quickly caught it with my thumb, wiped it away and then curled my arm around his neck, pulling him to me. "You should have talked to me," I said into his hair, kissing his pointed ear. "You could have told me how much it hurts you."

Of course, Rhysand's state was quite obvious and we know that the only way to keep him alive was to make Nyx the High Lord. Rhysand would be drained of his powers, so in their vanishing and moving over to Nyx they could no longer destroy him. "I hate seeing him like that," Nyx muttered and slowly opened his eyes. They were glazed, a little red from how tightly he had held them closed. "He has always been this tall and powerful male. So untouchable, so not at all vulnerable. It feels like I am losing him without even really losing him." Nyx's voice quavered before it broke fully and a sob ripped itself free. He shuddered against me and I curled my arm tighter around him when his tears ran freely out of his eyes. He was weeping loudly, finally letting the vulnerability take over, finally letting the emotions that had haunted him the past days and weeks show. Before it had always been about him being anxious about becoming a High Lord, but I knew something had changed over the course of the past weeks. It was no longer the angst about becoming a High Lord and ruling the Night Court, we would manage that somehow. It was now all about him losing his father, his parents, his anchors and protectors in life. Things would change from now on. Nyx would be the most powerful person in this court, he would be the one who had to protect others, who had to protect his family. He was going to be the head of the family, so was I, and that was scary. But more scary was that Rhysand would no longer be that person. That he was slowly going to near the last quarter of his life. "How can I live a life without my father in it?"

Nyx swallowed around the lump in his throat, his teary gaze meeting mine. "He has always been there for me. He has always been my idol, the one person I looked up to so much. And I regret disappointing him so much in the past, but I can't change it. And I just can't let him go yet."