Poguelandia Jiara's version

Self sabotage

JJ's POV

Love.

I love her.

I'm in love with her.

I've never been in love before but I guess what they say about just knowing when you are is true. But this isn't how I expected it would feel when I finally fell in love because I wasn't supposed to fall in love with her.

This is fucking terrible.

It's confusing and frustrating and I can't focus on anything anymore, she's consumed me.

The worst part is, she's not even mine to love.

Sometimes I think maybe she could feel the same way.. the way she looks at me, the way she touches me, the words she whispers when we are...together. But even if there is a chance that she does feel the same that doesn't mean we would work. She is from a good family, a good side of town.. she has a bright future if we ever get off this island. What do I have to offer her? I'm just scum from the cut with a dead beat dad who I'm probably going to end up just like. She's too good for me, I'd only drag her down.

It's been 3 days since we last had sex. we've been busy building a little hut since the wind decided to pick up a few days ago. I'm secretly thankful because I need the distraction, obviously having sex with Kiara isn't going to help this love situation...I know I need to stop. not that I want to stop, I don't and it's getting harder and harder not to think about.

I sigh running my hand anxiously through my hair wondering how much longer I can stay sitting out on this rock alone before someone comes over and asks me what's wrong. The last thing I want to do is talk about my feelings I cringe at the thought and stand up making my way back over to the boys who are fishing.

Later that night we're all hanging out by the fire just laughing and talking. After a few hours everyone starts to get ready for bed, Sarah and John b claim the hut for the night

"Oh reaaal subtle guys" I yell after them as they walk away towards the hut laughing, John b flips me off.

"So we put all that time and energy into making a sex hut.. good to know" says pope and we all laugh

Kiara catches my eye
I know that look.
Crap.

I pull my eyes away from hers and put a few more logs on the fire before laying down looking up at the sky. Suddenly I feel someone sitting down beside me, it's kie.

"Wanna hang out later" she whispers

annnnd there it is

Fuck yes I want to 'hang out' but...

I swallow

"not tonight" I say sounding colder than I intended, probably due to the fact that didn't want to say that.

Kiara stiffens "oh um.. Is everything okay?"

No. I'm in love with you.

"Why wouldn't it be" my voice comes out cold once again, i stare up at the sky.

"Have I done something to upset you jj because i-" she starts

"No just fucking drop it Kiara alright?!" I snap sitting up and throwing a rock into the fire

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" She yells back standing up

Pope and Cleo who have just heard the last half of that conversation are now looking at us confused

I don't answer her  I'm mad at myself for snapping at her. I'm mad at myself for breaking the stupid rules and falling for her.

"What the hell is going on with you two?" Pope asks looking from me to Kiara

"Beats me" replies Kiara "ask him" she adds looking at me with tears in her eyes

Fuck. I'm an ass. I close my eyes, guilt and regret filling me.

"Kie" I start

"Don't talk to me" she snaps and walks away down towards the water.

"Dude what was that?" Asks cleo, both her and pope are starring at me wanting for me to explain

"nothing we were just uh- it was nothing" I finish lamely, I don't know what to tell them

"That wasn't nothing jj.. she's crying right now man what the hell did you say to her?" Pope half yells at me

"You know what man your the one who's all in love with her and shit why don't you go comfort her and she'll explain if she wants to" I yell feeling myself getting angry again

Sarah and John b come out of the hut obviously having heard all the commotion. "What the-"

"What are you hiding jj? Is there a reason you can't just tell me yourself?? What are you doing  fucking her or something?"

I go silent
Too silent
I look down at my feet and let out a breath I didn't even realise I was holding

"OOh you have to be fucking kidding me"