The shadow Hunter

chapter 63

I sat on the bench outside the compound, a joint in one hand, a lighter in the other. In fairness to myself, there was a lot worse stuff I could be doing right now, stuff I was itching to do. However, when I had gone to collect stuff from my old apartment in queens, this was the only thing I found as I had only scraped the surface then. Without the drugs my mind had suddenly become crowded again. This calmed me at least- stopped the panic setting in. Tony hadn't suggested anything, Nat hadn't even brought it up again, but I think it become clear to everyone what I had gotten up to. I took a long drag and watched the white smoke swirl through the air. I closed my eyes for just a second, enjoying the fuzzy feeling but when I opened them again, I wasn't alone. 

"More quiet here isn't it." Thor said before taking a long sip from his fresh bottle of beer. "You know that's a nasty habit." He commented. I glanced over at his 15th bottle of beer today. "I'd say the same to you." He looked down at the bottle and shrugged. "Sometimes you need something to pull you through." He chuckled. "This is just a stress reliever." I muttered as i brought it back to my lips. It wasn't a touch on my so- called 'little pain killers' Lars had given me.  "Makes the past harder to remember and the present forgettable." I chimed in a mock tone. Thor leaned towards me and uncertainly held out his fingers. "Do you mind? But i think I could use some of that right now." I passed the spliff over to him and watched him bring it to his lips and inhale deeply before spluttering and banging on his chest. I laughed slightly as he handed it back to me as he shook his head. More silence, and then curiosity came over me.

"What are you trying to forget?" I asked. Thor was caught off guard and pressed his lips together. "That i've lost all the people I love." He spoke, staring out at the lake. "My brother, Loki." He continued. "I thought the world of him, I though we were going to fight side by side together forever." A lump rose to his throat and he cleared it hastily. "And then Thanos killed him." The words were blunt and layered with so much anger. "He's died before of course but this time I think it's real." He took another long sip of his beer. "What about that Jane girl?" I asked. Thor looked down in his lap and shrugged. "Oh I was only holding her back- she is off doing her own stuff now." He spoke wistfully. "But at least she is still alive, although I don't see her." He muttered. "But if this works, we get everyone back, but I won't get Loki back." 

I think me and Thor were more similar than it seemed. Despite all the people we still had, we were always searching to fill the void of the people we lost and always coming back empty handed. "I feel this guilt." I started. "Because I get the chance to bring Peter back." I told him. "But i can't ever bring the others back- Pietro and my mum." I twiddled the spliff between my fingers and stared at the ground. Then i brought it eye level to me- looking at it as if i was searching for an answer. Maybe that's what I had been doing with it the whole time- waiting for an answer, one that never came. "Can i be honest?" I asked and Thor nodded. "This whole time travel thing really scares me." I admitted. "In case it doesn't work?" He asked. I shook my head. "No." I said. "I'm scared it will work." I exhaled slowly. "I'm scared i'll bring Peter back and he won't like who I am anymore." 

I took another drag. "I think I might be a sociopath." I muttered. Thor, who had been listening quietly, sat up straighter. "No, you're not-" He started. I shook my head cutting him off. "Don't say I'm not because you don't see what goes on in my head, the things Dreykov put there." I snapped slightly, with out meaning to. I hadn't meant to say this much and maybe it was the weed or maybe it was the fact that Thor was probably drunk and wouldn't remember any of this. "I've gone mad. When Steve asked earlier, if I was stable enough to go back, he was only saying what we were all thinking. Because I feel like something in me is broken, and I feel like it has been since I was 8 years old." I rushed out. "And i think it might be beyond repair." 

"They say love makes you do crazy things, makes people kill even." I slowly shook my head. "But what they meant was the loss of love make you do crazy things, makes you kill. And that I did." The words hung in the air thickly. "They deserved it of course, but I still did it." I reached inside me, trying to find an ounce of regret but i came back with nothing. "And I'm not sure if that makes me a bad person or not." I thought out loud. Thor laughed, this time not as a facade but rather because he found something funny. "Lady Clara, you are anything but a bad person." He told me. "Bad people don't save the world like you do." He remarked. But I wasn't sure he was right.