The shadow Hunter

chapter 46

Another another dead end of a meeting with Jimmy Woo I sat down at the table for dinner with Tony. Pepper joined us, bringing over plates of food. Pepper and Tony glanced and smiled at each other as i started to eat. Tony poured himself a glass of wine and i thought it was curious, it was one of his best bottles, strictly for special occasions. i furrowed my brows for a moment but thought nothing more of it. We ate and drank and casual conversation was made. "Clara" Tony said suddenly. I looked up at him. "So me and Pepper have some news." They looked at each other, grasped hands and they looked truly in love which was nice to see after months apart. I chewed slowly waiting for them to continue. "Well the thing is," Tony started. "I'm pregnant!" Pepper blurted out.

I stared blankly at her. "What?" I muttered. "We're having a baby." Tony stated with excitement. The pair of them stared at me, waiting for me to say something, their smiles slowly dwindling. "I'm only 6 weeks along and they say you shouldn't tell anyone before 12 weeks- but we couldn't wait to tell you." I could hear the excitement in her voice but it didn't bring any to mine. In fact, there wasn't anything in my voice because i didn't speak. I just stood up from the table, my plate of food forgotten.

I disappeared up the stairs quickly, but not quick enough because Tony was hot on my heal, not letting me escape this time. "Clara wait!" He called after me, darting between me and my door. "Are you upset? I thought you would be excited." He asked, trying not to shout in an attempt to calm the situation. "Why would I be exited?" I shot. Tony furrowed his brows like it was obvious. "Because you will be getting a sibling." No longer keeping his voice level. "Why would I want a sibling?" I scoffed. Tony looked slightly hurt, like a wounded animal but he quickly regained his composure. "Well it doesn't matter what you want, me and Pepper want a child together!" He yelled.

I laughed with little humor. "Of course because this is the child you actually want." I scoffed, old stitched up wounds, bursting open again. "You can forget all about me now, cast me to the side, you never wanted me in the first place!" I shouted, turning away with frustration. "Look we are not going to forget about you, we will love you both the same." Tony assured me. "Will you really though?" I questioned. "How could you not love your perfect little baby more than the fucked up, murderer daughter you abandoned?" I snapped. I turned back to Tony, seeing the look of anguish on his face. "Look you will understand when you have kids, that you don't love one more than the other." He told me. "Except I won't ever know because I can't have kids!" I shot back, the words escaping me before I could think. My mouth fell at the corners. I had never said it out loud before.

Tony, taken aback, stared at me. "They took that from me." I breathed. I tried to push past Tony to my room but he caught my wrist. "What do you mean?" He asked. "Who took that from you?" He asked urgently when I didn't answer the first question. I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I was only 8 years old and they cut me open and ripped it all out, took away the only thing that could distract me from a mission." I whispered. "the red room?" Tony asked. I nodded and snatched my wrist from my dad's grip and pushed open the door. I slammed it behind me and let out a shaky breath.

Sometimes I didn't feel like a real woman, or a real person. I heard the girls at school complaining about their periods, swapping sanitary products in the bathroom. I don't understand any of it. In biology, we learnt about reproduction- how a female's body works. I knew mine wouldn't work like that. I knew it meant I wasn't a proper woman. The one thing that my body was meant to do- it wouldn't do. I had always told myself I didn't want kids anyway. But what if I did? I didn't even get the choice. I can't ever had a normal family because I'm broken. Just another way I have been broken, another chunk torn from me, making me less whole. That was why they did it of course. No periods meant we were never distracted by pain or discomfort- it made us more efficient. And if we couldn't get pregnant, it meant-what ever had to happen in a mission, whatever Dreykov would send us to do- there was never any fall out. If we couldn't have children, there was never anything that would matter to us more than killing.