Alone

Chapter Seventeen

Trigger warning!: This chapter includes self harm and alcohol misuse! If this triggers you, don't read!

~.~

Kai woke up the next morning with a strong headache and horrible dizziness. His memory wasn't much help either. Kai turned in his bed to see a cup of water, two pills, a piece of bright pink paper and his glasses.

Kai took the pills with the water, put his glasses on and picked up the note, it had fancy joined writing which Kai recognised as Amara's. Kai waited for his glasses to start working before he read the neatly written note.

It read,

"Heyyyyy,

Apollo and I are out for the day, so don't wait up for us, we'll talk later!

-Amara"

Kai sighed, staring at the note a couple of times before finally understanding what it said.

"Welp, time to face the music." Kai muttered to no-one but himself.

Kai pulled the covers off of him and attempted to stand up, it failed when his knees fell out from under him, and he fell back onto his bed, which caused him to let out a string of curse words in Russian and English.

"Okay, standing clearly isn't going to work..." Kai told himself, he felt like he was going round and round in one of those office chairs that you could spin around in. Kai started telling himself the plan to get to the kitchen, just outside his room, where the nice bottle of alcohol was, "Okay, so..."

Kai shook his head, judging his choices, "Woah... Okay, not a lot of choices here, we got this!" Kai felt the tears coming to his eyes as he tried to get himself to try standing again, "We just gotta stand up, stumble to the kitchen, get something to eat, get the happy alcohol, then stumble back."

Kai's breathing picked up as he panicked, tears prickling the corners of his eyes, his throat started hurting, he had no idea why that happened when he would hold back tears, but it did. The door to his new-ish room was right beside his bed, he had planned it like that. Now that he had his plan, he had to execute it.

Kai pushed himself up with his hands, as soon as he was fully upright, his knees fell out, forcing him to use most of his strength to catch himself, Kai hurried to the door, opening it, using the wall to hold himself as his knees kept falling out from beneath him, then the dizziness got worse, which just prompted his breathing to get even quicker and the tears prickled his eyes, blurring his sight.

Kai ignored it as he saw the bottle in front of him, he left it there for a while before going to the fridge, he didn't want anything from there, so he checked the freezer and found a pint of ice cream.

"Ha!" He exclaimed happily, grabbing a spoon to eat the ice cream with, and the bottle of vodka, he stumbled back to his room.

Kai understood perfectly that the alcohol would make it all worse, but he didn't care, he had put his entire teenage life on hold because of the weakness in his right ear and later, his neurological problem, he wouldn't put his adult life on hold too.

So after the ice cream was finished, he grabbed the bottle.

Kai was in immense pain from the lost of his best friends since the age of five, drinking was the only thing that would help him.

Kai was almost finished the bottle, well he didn't have much left anyway, when he noticed that the pain was still there.

"No..." Kai whispered, tears falling down his face, "It still hurts... why does it still hurt? It was supposed to stop... that's not fair..."

Kai found another way to stop the pain. A way he hadn't used in years.

~.~

By the time Apollo came home from his time with Dabria, sitting with her at the bookshop she worked at, it had been enough time for Kai to cover his tracks.

Apollo knocked on the door quietly, making Kai jump, "Come in."

Apollo opened the door, looking around the room.

Kai had barely furnished his new room, a bed was by the door, a small table beside it that Kai kept his cables, laptop, some snacks and a few other things, by the bed. A wardrobe across from the bed and a desk by the corner that he kept his colouring in drawings, his earring collection, make up, and a lot more. A script for the new episode he was supposed to shoot in a week was also there.

Kai's sleeves were down, and just in case that failed him, he put on arm warmers underneath the sleeves.

"Hey..." Apollo started. Kai looked up at him, teary-eyed.

"Why aren't I good enough for a normal life?" Kai asked him.

"What? Kai, you are good enou-" Apollo started before Kai interrupted him.

"What did I do to deserve this? This stupid fucking dizziness, why won't it just go away? What did I do?!"

Apollo looked at him from the doorway before walking toward him. "You didn't do a thing, you are kind and amazing, and you don't deserve this."

Kai sat up, ignoring the violent spinning of the room, "Can I have a hug?" Kai whispered.

Apollo nodded, Kai taking his chance to sob his emotions out.

Apollo didn't move to leave the hug, just ran his hand through Kai's hair as his tears wet Apollo's clothes, his other hand wrapped around the younger male. Kai let out loud sobs, in-between his desperate cries, begging someone to tell him what he did to deserve this. Apollo felt his heart breaking every time Kai almost begged Apollo to tell him what he did.

It was clear that Kai wouldn't stop any time soon, so Apollo just held him close.

~.~

ngl i teared up writing this chapter.

also i just wanna blame the fact that my life is really sucky rn for the fact that there havent been any light moments for a while.

kais mental breakdown is inspired by at least five mental breakdowns ive had recently. i was gonna write more angst but then i got ICE CREAM.

also apollo and kais bond>>>

shit i need to repair amara and kais bond. its like been dying slowly.

please note that having non stopping dizziness can make someone really sensitive and can make the person have complete breakdowns over what seems like nothing.