Sander Sides Oneshots And Stuff (REQUESTS ARE OPEN)

Incorrect Quotes

(I have no motivation, so enjoy these incorrect quotes.

Tw: Your general angsty/crack incorrect quotes, so swearing, drugs, murder/suicide references, sex references etc)

Patton: Hewwo.
Roman: Hihiiiiii!
Logan: Greetings, Humans.
Janus: Three kinds of people.
Virgil: I want pudding.
Logan: Four kinds of people.
Remus: WHAT'S UP FUCKERS?
Janus: Five kinds of people.

*****
Remus: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming
Janus: Does anyone in this godforsaken group ever think before they speak

*****
Janus: How's the sexiest person here~?
Remus: I don't know, how are they~?
Janus, flustered: I-
Virgil, from across the room: I'm doing great, thanks!

*****
*Sides reactions to being told 'I love you'*
Logan: *pulls out note card* Thanks fam!
Roman: oh no
Patton: *cries* I love you too
Virgil: Sounds fake but okay
Janus: *A flustered mess*
Remus: can i get a refund

*****
Remus: You kill people for money?!
Janus: I can explain!
Remus: And all this time I've been doing it for free like a chump!

*****
Roman: There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.
Virgil:
Logan:
Patton:
Everyone Else At Roman's Surprise Birthday Party:
Virgil: All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first

*****
Virgil: Remus... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?
Remus: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.
Virgil:
Virgil: I wrote sanitize, Remus.

*****
Logan: Virgil isn't ’t answering their phone
Patton: I’ll call
Roman: Logan and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-
Virgil: Hello?

*****
Patton: I think we're missing something.
Roman: Teamwork?
Logan: Cohesion?
Virgil: A general sense of what we’re doing?

*****
Picani: Have you seen a person named 'Remus' around here?
Janus: Ugh, yes. They made a horrible mess of the blood fountain.
Remy: It looks fine to me?
Janus: IT USED TO BE WATER!!!

*****
Picani: Why is Remus so sad?
Janus: They took one of those “Which Sanders Sides Character Are You?” quizzes
Picani: And...?
Remy: They got Roman.
Remus: I AM NOT MY BROTHER!

*****
(Some days with the dark sides, my AU)
Everett: On the count of three, what's your favorite cake? One, two, three-
Everett and Remus, in unison: Chocolate cake peanut butter frosting with chocolate chunks!
Janus: Our turn, Virgil! One, two, three- vanilla!
Virgil, deadpan: I've never had cake, what is cake.

*****
Everett: *Screams*
Remus: *Screams louder to establish dominance*
Janus: Should we do something?
Virgil: No, I want to see who wins.

****
(Light Sides time, including Virgil)

[The Sides is a prison cell that was just hit by an earthquake]
Patton: Uh, I'm gonna roll a perception check of... 4, and see if our cell is, uh, in any way damaged by this quake
Roman: You're in a prison cell :)
Logan: You did great. Well, I got a 10-
Roman: You're in a prison cell with bars on it :3
Virgil: I got a 1!
Roman: You're in... a cube-shaped place.

(Considering Thomas made a series called "Roleslaying with Roman" (which he is slaying in 💅✨️) this seems very fitting lol)

*****
Roman: I’m gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.
Remus: Only if you also don't ask why
Remus: *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick.
Roman:
Remus:
Roman: This one is fine

(Spoiler: He's just going to recite Hamlet to the audience in the Imagination because all the Sides, even Patton, are done with him and his reciting)

*****
Remus: I am not out of control! I'm a law abiding citizen!
Virgil: Really? Name one law
Remus: Don't kill people?
Virgil: That's on me. I set the bar too low.

Bonus:

Virgil: Wait, didn't you try to kill Roma-
Remus: Oh! So when Roman kills the dragon witch, he's a HEROO! BUT when I KNOCK HIM OUT, I'm the evil one? He was only out for like 20 minutes and he just talked about mashed potatoes!

*****
Virgil : Welcome, fellow idiots
Patton: Hello, Virgil
Virgil : No, no, not you, you're not an idiot
Patton: You underestimate me

*****
Logan: Hey Janus can I get a sip of your water?
Janus: It's not water.
Logan: Vodka, I like your style!
Janus: It's vinegar.
Logan: Wh-Wha-
Janus: It's vinegar, COWARD.

(It was vodka)

*****
Logan: Janus, can I talk to you for a second?
Janus: Yeah, what’s up? Lemme guess. You and Remus are having problems and you want me to teach you how to kiss?
Logan: What? No, stop that. I know how to kiss. I’ve read books.

*****
Janus: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life
Patton: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?
Janus: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.
Remus: edible

*****
And finally, really random but:

SANDERS SIDES (and the others) AS MUSICAL THEATRE CHARACTERS

Logan: Michael Mell from BMC. I can't think of anyone else.

Oh yeah! Matilda herself from Matilda

Patton: Kurt's dad from Heathers or Delia Schwimmer from Beetlejuice (Be a beacon of light in the world~)

Roman: Troy Bolton from High School Musical, Jeremy Heere from BMC or PT Barnum from The Greatest Showman (who else cried? I know it can't just be me)

Virgil: Lydia Deetz from Beetlejuice or Veronica Sawyer from Heathers/Cady Heron from Mean Girls (with the whole 'joining the friend group' thing)

Janus: JASON FREAKING DEAN from Heathers (because F**K society), Miss Argentina from Beetlejuice (with her SASS), or Miss Hannigan from the newer Annie (we all love a good redemption arc)

Remus, my child: BEETLEJUICE, with a buttload of JD (hah, butts), a drizzle of Audrey II, topped of with a little Veronica Sawyer.

And there you have it! A Remus sundae! Did I mention he's my favorite side?

Remy: Heather C, Regina George, absolutely no one else.

Picani: Princess Anna of Arendelle (do Disney movies count as musicals?), and the Llwelyn Davies boys in Finding Neverland.

Everett (bc I can): Being corrupted with Light and Dark Side ideas, I'd say if Skye the Girl Scout from Beetlejuice, Regina George, Beetlejuice and Michael Mell had a fan child together.

(And there you have it! Just a bit of nonsense because we all need some at times like this.

Take it easy, patties!)