Trinity

Dissonance

Trigger Warning! 

This chapter details an autistic meltdown (non violent) and a panic attack. I don't think it's necessarily graphic but wanted to warn people just in case. 

If this makes it so you can't read the chapter, leave a comment and I'll give you a summary so you don't miss anything. 

 He was never going to give this up.

That's what Mansk told himself the night he made a move. When he couldn't help but reach out to the woman in front of him. He treasured the way her body relaxed into his; it restored his sense of wholeness.

Consequences be damned.

He would chase this feeling even if it killed him.

Now that statement felt like a lie. A toxic lie he used to reaffirm his decision. He couldn't believe that, after all these years, he had brazenly abused the faith Quaritch had given him. There was no winning here.

Ending this "affair" before it got any more out of hand was the right thing to do. What he had to do. The guilt was eating away at him, slowly chipping off large pieces of the happiness and joy he felt with her. It crushed them into a thick, choking dust that he was forced to breathe. His chest hurt, and the thought of pushing her away physically made him sick.

He fucked up. In pursuit of his desires, he was now going to hurt one of the people he loved. There was no getting around that. His mind and that thing bickered constantly, back and forth. He agonized over what he had already done and what he now had to do. Mansk couldn't tell her the truth, she didn't know who she was.

If she somehow got her memories back, would she hate him for what he'd done? Would she be as disgusted with him as he was with himself? She'd want a reason, and he couldn't come up with one that seemed believable or that he'd be able to pull off without her noticing it was a lie.

He had to make a decision and stick with it; the longer he continued doing this, the harder it would be to stop later. If he broke it off, he'd hurt Ten. If he continued, he'd hurt Quaritch. Mansk wanted to rip out his skeleton. This was just as bad as any overstimulation he'd experienced in the past. Everything was starting to be too much.

The sensitive ears only amplified his sensory issues, picking up every single sound. Clothes rustling together as the team walked, their boots stomping loudly against the forest floor. The clicks and thumps of their gear moving against their bodies, even the voices of his friends grated on him. None of it was fading into the background. He couldn't drown it out with anything. Every sound was staccato, he could hear each noise individually, separate and maddening.

The raucous triggers resounded inside his head, and his jaw clenched as he tried to maintain his composure. The stress and guilt put him too far on edge; he should have realized how stressed he was with the situation. It had been years since he felt shame from a meltdown. But shame filled him. His guns never triggered him; fighting, being in combat–none of those triggered him. No, it was a failure to regulate his emotions. This is why he should have stayed away!

"Let's take a break," the Colonel's voice forced his attention as he removed the bulk of his gear. Anything to try and prevent the meltdown. They had come up on a river since it was so humid... shit. He was so distracted by everything else that he didn't realize the heat was also triggering him. That usually wasn't an issue, but apparently it is now.