Agoraphobia (n.): fear of being in a public place because of its crowdedness.
It was not always necessarily like that because agoraphobia can also mean fear of being in an open place, but in my case, it was. End of school year in my last year of high school - something trivial had happened that made me develop mild agoraphobia and drove me out of any kind of competition ever since. Symptoms include trouble breathing and extreme nausea. My old pack knew this. That was why they questioned my willingness to participate in the stupid competition.
Fainted during the Selection was my biggest humiliation. Triggered by Desiree's gratuitous competitiveness, I hastily took up the challenge without even remembering I could not stand being in the middle of a huge crowd; a huge, disorder crowd, that is. You don't say, competitions lure excited crowds of audience.
I was not really unconscious. I heard voices that only made me more dizzy, then Banyu's voice right beside my ear, then his hands dragging me to a corner. I heard him shooing people away. He took a different major in a different faculty, so he must came all the way in anticipation of this. I heard the others' voice. I heard Mazmur's voice. Then I gained my vision back.
Before me, I saw the enraging red dress and knew instantly I was doomed. She would think that was due to my nervousness. She would believe, dammit, that I got cold feet competing with HER. As if this selection meant anything at all. She seemed worried. Falsity. She was glad I fainted for every reason possible. So she could be selected, I thought at that time. Yeah, well, she could have it. I was way above the Selection.
"I'm fine." I waved my hand and straightened my back on the wall. I noticed I sat on bare floor.
"You're not," Asri snapped.
"I am," I insisted.
"You should rest," Desiree muttered. Shut up."You look pale," she added. Shut up. "Have you had your breakfast?" she asked. God, please tell her to shut up. Her falsity disgusted me. The faint itself had turned my mood dark; her effort to have a conversation with me, worse. She was maintaining her image.
"You don't wanna talk to her," Banyu told her with a sigh. "When she's this upset, she's impossible."
"My, I don't think Aruna has that trait in her," Mazmur commented.
"She has, trust me. She's no sweet Desiree," gravely Reka said. But those were not true. Desiree was a special case. Her very presence was enough to crowd my world that moment. Palpitations and nausea made me hard to focus, but I had never deliberately ignored my old pack whenever my mild agoraphobia relapsed.
"You shouldn't worry too much about her," I heard him continued. "She's tough like a man; she'll be okay if we just let her be." A statement I usually took pride in, but that moment it felt wrong. It was a back-handed compliment.
[M]
