Ah. I notice I have been going round and round about the English debate competition. An event so insignificant, yet needed mentioning due to the wound it caused to my 'friendship' with Desiree. Pardon me for it, and also pardon me for going ahead of myself because the talk with Reka about my next to nothing desirability was actually a far cry from our previous subject. But my thoughts were a jumble and I could not refrain myself from telling you about it. It has, after all, a relevance with what bothered my mind soon after.
But first, a background story.
Foul-mouthed. Bulky. Cold. Not pretty. Those are exaggerated words I was used to hear. Exaggerated, because I had always thought I was mainly being honest and I was far from ugly. It isn't meant to be a brag; it's confidence. A confidence I was taught to have and learned to lose; because in a world where being petite and delivering sweet speeches are what preferred, where should massive figure and honesty stand? The brain I was praised for was a flower for the dead. Decorative, but frivolous. Even so, without the confidence, I was functioning.
The only pride left within me was my sense of humor. The ability to laugh at myself. Then, to be liked for it. Those words were exaggerated because I knew they meant them to be a joke. Sadly, they ultimately believed in the nonexistent truth in their joke without even realizing it. Even I believed in it.
What Reka said to me was a not unusual explicit comment - the joke - but then he said it so naturally that it was clear he did not mean it as a joke. It frightened me. It frightened me and it ticked me off because Desiree was everything I wasn't. Because she was my comparison. She had heads turned to her when she appeared. She had zero sense of humor but her presence was longed for. She won small competition but she was deemed the goddess of fortune for her team. She was a beauty and she spoke exquisitely, and it frightened me how it was enough for my world to worship. The skin of my world was peeling down and it turned unrecognizable. That my world has rejected me appalled me.
I ignored Reka's comment and the others' silence because, again, they were not unusual. What unusual was that it eventually cost my relationship with Mazmur. No, please don't imagine cliche things like separation between two lovers. First, because we were not lovers. Second, because there was no apparent separation. But let us save it for later. We still have a long way to go before we reach what made me started this hard-luck story.
[M]
