Even though I've been home for somewhat over two hours, I still can't stop thinking about everything that happened today. It's just too much for me to handle all at once. Unfortunately, nothing went according to plan. I acted in ways that were opposite to my wishes. My best friend didn't listen to me. I regret everything. Why is it that my life is nothing but a collection of regrets? I don't get it. If I listened to what my own instincts told me to do rather than what some other person said, I would be a whole lot happier. I should have paid more attention. My life is no longer what one would call a life. It seems like a complete and total terrible shape. It's almost as if my whole existence is one big regret. Regrets. And I tend to give a lot of unnecessary thought to things. It seems that I'm dwelling on this situation right now. I ONLY WANT TO LIVE A LIFE THAT IS FREE OF REGRETS. That's the only thing I want right now. I have no urges for anything or anyone. I just want no regrets. Because I've found that the one thing that causes me the most pain is regret, and I need to figure out how to make better choices.
It is important for me to follow my own desires. And not pay attention to anyone's advice. It is expected of everyone that they will provide me with their suggestions, but in the end the choice remains with me. I've been dealing with a lot of stress, and now all I want is to find something or someone that will help me relax and chill out. Simply put, all I want is some calmness. And that is it. I have received a hundred text messages from Lily by this point, but I did not respond to any of them. I've left her on delivered. I have the crave to respond to her, forgive her, and tell her how overwhelmed I am, but I don't do any of those things. I won't do that. Because of what she did earlier today, she should be held to blame, and I am unable to provide that for her. Even I don't bother to call Naz. I am aware that she is my therapist, and that she has the ability to mend me and prevent me from overthinking at this very moment. However, I am powerless to contact her or anybody else. Because I usually have so many issues to deal with in life, I just feel like I'm getting more and more annoying as time goes on. I never stop dwelling on my multiple issues.
I'm sure that all of my close friends are sick of hearing about my useless troubles. It is necessary for me to recover on my own. It's vital that I figure out how to comfort myself. I'm in a lot of pain. I require some personal space. In order to help myself, I have to go away from other people. To calm myself... To make me feel better. After wearing a blue mouth mask, I exit my room and go away. After informing my mother that I will be heading outside for a stroll, I exit the house. Regardless of this, I always have my phone on me. Perhaps if I listen to some music, it will help me feel better. As I make my way to the parking lot, I notice that the sun is beginning to go down. I climb the stairs to the very top floor of my building and head out onto the rooftop. There, I just stand there and watch as the sun begins to gently set.
I open Spotify and look for a playlist that has sorrowful music. I pick a playlist of songs and play them in random order. I have never in my life heard any of these songs, yet the words are so damn relatable I can't help but relate to them. I'm curious to know what genre of music his favourite is... I always wanted to ask him and get to know him better, but I just never seem to have the opportunity to do so. I just have to keep listening in the hopes that one of these separate songs will turn out to be his favourite. Following the completion of the previous five songs, the next song begins playing. To be clear, this is not a depressing song in any way. The tone of joy runs through not only the music but also the lyrics of this song. I check to see what its name is, and it is "I like you so much and you'll know it."
The phrases are just... damn... more relatable than those of any other songs I had listened to up until this point. And when it's finished, I'll start playing it again. And I gaze once more out at the setting sun. The sun is only visible to me in its lower half at this point. As well as that, this song always makes me weep whenever I hear it. I can feel the tears coming, but I'm going to attempt to keep them in restricted. After taking a few slow, deep breaths, I sit down. And I no longer have a glimpse of the setting sun. And although I'm sitting right there, I completely lose it mentally. My eyes are filling up with tears as quickly as the speed of light.
